ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20) This is an excellent week to start making odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)At some point this week, someone will offer you an egg salad sandwich. Refuse them. Be polite, but firm. It may just save your life.

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22) For your own good, please don’t taunt the gypsies.

CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23) This week you will meet someone on a holy quest, which will make for an interesting conversation starter (“So, what’s with the pineapples, buddy?”).

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) I know this is awkward, but I’m thinking of asking your mom out on a date. Let’s say we forget the whole me-kicking-you-out incident, and you put in a good word for me, OK?

VIRGO (24 AUG. – 23 SEPT.) I’m out of ideas. Let’s just make a list of stupid things you have said on TV or your radio show: “Madison, Wisconsin residents commune with Satan”; “University of Connecticut students are far-left Nazis”; “Iraqi citizens are a prehistoric group”; Hurricane Katrina victims were “drug-addicted thugs.” I’m sure I’m not alone when I say, “Go falafel yourself, O’Reilly.”

LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)There are ninjas on the lawn trying to kill you.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You should really give in and name the fish Jacques.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Apparently Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan are engaged. Now ladies, I know the deep sense of abandonment and grief you must be feeling right now … I sort of feel it myself. Just remember, Michael still loves you; he’s just confused right now. Give him some time to come to his senses.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) A strange man in a gorilla suit is hot on your trail. You haven’t borrowed a large sum of money lately, have you?

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.

PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Boston College can’t handle Villanova, and you’ll be glad when they lose tonight.