Aries(March 21 – April 20) Your boyfriend tried to molest Joe Lobo. Joe Lobo does not appreciate that … not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Taurus(April 21 – May 21)Stay away from men with wrestling mix tapes; there’s just something fundamentally wrong about that.
Gemini(May 22 – June 22) Within the next week, you will become emotionally involved with a can of SPAM and nearly have a seizure when your roommate suggests ham sandwiches for lunch.
Cancer(June 23 – July 23) You finally discover what “that smell” in your closet is. Make sure you have enough bamboo leaves on hand to make sure “it” doesn’t get angry.
Leo(July 24 – Aug. 23) “In your eyes … the light the heat … in your eyes … I am complete.” Dude, why won’t your mom call me back? “In your eyes … I see the doorway.” Seriously. “To a thousand churches …” I’m dying here, buddy.
Virgo(24 Aug. – 23 Sept.) You will probably regret saying you would like to harm United Press International journalist Helen Thomas and that you “would have laid her out” because she asked the president a tough question – unless, of course, you like having the image of a man who is willing to hit an 86-year-old lady.
Libra(Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)You and your roommate will exchange blows after a heated argument; this will be the last time you ever watch “My Dog Skip” together.
Scorpio(Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)The Final Four, Wrestlemania 22, Paul and “The Wolf” have you so geeked up for the weekend that you will not be able to function properly for the rest of the week. Try to take a few deep breaths before you hyperventilate.
Sagittarius(Nov. 23 – Dec. 22)You will curse President Bush for picking the wrong man to be his new chief of staff. Sure Josh Bolten was Bush’s director of the Office of Management and Budget, but Michael Bolton sang, “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Honestly, who would you rather have running the show?
Capricorn(Dec. 23 – Jan. 19) After next week, you will never look at butternut squash the same way again.
Aquarius(Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.
Pisces(Feb. 20 – March 20)I never said anything about Florida. My Final Four prediction is that you will giggle with joy every time you see the Coach K commercial.
