“Da … da … da da da da da …” Ah, the Winter Olympics. The once-every-four-years opportunity for athletes to compete in sports we’ve never heard of has been in full swing. My life is now complete.

I love the Olympics. My two dogs are named Lillie and Hammer, after the 1994 Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, Norway. Yes, I love the Olympics that much.

The Olympics are the heart and soul of the sports world. They give us victory, heartache, controversy and most importantly, complete wipeouts, which is mainly why we watch anyway. I mean, why watch the ski jump competition at all if you can’t watch a 120-pound guy go skies-over-face into bright orange netting?

The only reason to watch pairs figure skating is to see the Russian-born American citizen drop the happy Kansas girl and see where their razor-sharp skates land, hoping it isn’t anywhere too “tender.”

Is it just me or did Bob Costas’ toupee take a turn for the worse this year? I think it’s secretly a raccoon he’s using to protect his bald head from the freezing temperatures of northern Italy. Someone has to keep his head warm. Better a raccoon than a 19-year-old co-ed with nothing on but fuzzy mittens and a smile, right?

Bob Costas’ hair isn’t the only thing wrong with NBC this Olympics. They’ve promoted this year’s winter games with the “Torino 2006” logo. But the city where the games are being held is actually Turin, Italy. NBC thought it would be a good idea to spell it how it is pronounced. Now everyone is confused and thinks Turin and Torino are two different places. And the Italians pronounce it Italia, not Italy, so technically, since they’re changing the things to the way they’re spelled, Italy should be changed as well.

I’ll bet that was Katie Couric’s idea. She thinks she knows everything.

Another reason to watch the Olympics this year is to see if that cocky American speed skater Chad Hedrick is ever going to lose one of his races. He has been called the “Paris Hilton of speed skating” because he is so snobby. Either that or he says, “that’s hot” way too much.

If I was dubbed the Paris Hilton of anything, I would kill myself. Just something for you to think about, Chad.

He also prides himself on being able to chug down a few beers after a race. “If I do something well, I might celebrate by having a few drinks,” he said in an interview with NBC. I just want to see this alcoholic go down.

I also wanted to see Michelle Kwan go down and I got my wish, sort of. Kwan pulled out after re-injuring her groin in practice last week. What is she now, like 30? Kwan is too goody goody for figure skating. I miss the good old days of whacking competitors with crowbars. I really want her to get a life and a real job. Maybe she could battle Tonya Harding in the next Celebrity Boxing match.

Tonya got really fat. I think Michelle could take her.

But seriously though, the Olympics really are a great symbol of American sportsmanship that should be watched by every American. They’re about the triumph of gold and the agony of defeat, the respect and the marvel of each athlete’s story, their character, their strength, courage and the families that stand behind them.

Or at least that’s what I wrote in my 4th grade paper on gold-medal speed skater Dan Jansen that I got a 100 on.

Oh, who am I kidding? My mom wrote it for me. Thanks Mom.