Hi there, friend. Are you lonely? Have all your cool friends abandoned you, yet again, for their significant others? Does the thought of spending another Valentine’s Day all by yourself chill you to the core? Do the collected songs of Karen Carpenter ring all-too true to form in your life? Well put aside those fears, my friend. Put down that 20-sided die and step out into the light. In just a few paragraphs, The Maroon will have you whipped into shape and ready to take on a legion of admirers of the opposite sex. Just sit back and relax, Casanova. Let us do all the work.

Being ‘The Man’There are many key elements to attracting the opposite sex.

Men, women want adventure; they want someone to entertain them, someone to sweep them off their feet, and someone to help them experience romance that they’ve only dreamed about. You should be clever, exciting, sharp-dressed and polite with an air of danger. Approach a woman with these ideas in mind. Let her know that you will do whatever it takes to give her a good time, and you should be set.

Women, you pretty much just have to show up with beer.

Everyone’s crazy about a sharp-dressed man (and woman)If you want to get technical though, the first trait you should fine tune is your appearance.

Ladies, let’s assume you know how to dress yourself. A large majority of you have probably gone through a variation of Fashion Boot Camp, or as it’s known to lay people, “high school.” Let’s just assume you’re up to date.

Gentlemen, let’s get cracking. First things first, you’re going to need to shower; that odor has been with you a long time – long enough, in fact, to have originated the last time you actually talked to a girl … two weeks ago.

The next step is, of course, deodorant. Remember though, contrary to popular belief, Axe body spray does not attract ladies. In fact, it works a lot like an axe – bludgeoning potential female friends away with deadly force. We recommend something understated and simple like Degree or Old Spice.

Once you’ve cleansed yourself, you’ll find it important to actually put on clothes. From personal experience, I can tell you that girls do not like the “natural look” when you’re going to a public place – unless you have a Delorean and a flux capacitor handy and your first date is in ancient Greece. As for what to wear, keep it comfortable but sharp: you don’t want her to think you look like a bum, unless that’s what Abercrombie or Hollister says is “cool” at the time – those guys know style.

Just bring itNow that you’ve tackled the issue of appearance, it’s important to consider a few of the actual aspects of the date.

Guys, it’s important to show from the beginning that you have put a lot of time and thought into the evening. Nothing says “I’m the guy in the PG-13 romantic comedy that everyone is really rooting for” like flowers or chocolate. Unfortunately, that guy usually gets dumped in every movie. If you’d rather not be like Ducky at the end of “Pretty in Pink,” show a little more creativity. Bring her a book by an author she really likes; if she doesn’t read, make her a mix tape of the songs she likes. Steer clear of the standard fare.

Once again ladies, for you it’s pretty simple: Bring beer.

Where to eatIf you’re going the dinner route, where you eat is obviously a crucial part of the date. You want somewhere where the two of you can have a decent conversation without having to shout over the environment; try to steer clear of bar environments.

Obviously the idea here is to have a good time, not break the other person’s bank. You don’t have to go to McDonald’s to save money, but you don’t necessarily have to eat at Commander’s Palace either.

Dance the night awaySome people think the perfect ending to a date is a night of dancing, drinking and groping at The Boot. To these people, I’d like to encourage you not to breed. However, for most people, dancing is a necessity. If you must, try somewhere less sketchy like 360 or One Eyed Jacks.

However ladies, I have something terrible to confess on behalf of men everywhere: A large majority of us are terrified of dancing. Michael Flately, Fred Astaire, the entire “You Got Served” crew … they are all in the minority. It takes a certain amount of alcohol, false confidence and stupidity for the normal male to venture out onto the dance floor. Just remember to be kind, girls.

Guys, just be a man, take a shot and try to stay with the beat. Remember, girls love a sense of humor and nothing will make her laugh more than you trying to dance.

These are just a few of the steps to enjoying a successful Valentine’s Day. Try to follow as many as possible, and maybe you’ll have a date to the St. Patrick’s Day parade. If all else fails, there are several Maroon staffers still available.

Chuck Alexander can be reached at [email protected].