Aries (March 21 – April 20) Every year you try out, and every year you get cut. This is the week you finally give up on cheerleading and try out for baseball.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21) What you do on your property with your own goat is not a ‘crime against nature,’ and unless that officer has a warrant he can get to stepping,’ bud!
Gemini (May 22 – June 22) You will unknowingly answer the phone by saying “yello?” instead of a proper greeting and/or salutation. Unfortunately, this will be the last time you ever receive a call from the Queen of England.
Cancer (June 23 – July 23) If you were born on July 7, 1946, I could give you 161 words about what I see in your future, but I think seven will suffice: a historical legacy of disgrace and shame. That’s right, I said it; shame on you, Sylvester Stallone. What, did you think I was talking about someone else?
Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23) So it turns out that paternity tests are fairly expensive. Unfortunately, Joe Lobo ain’t made out of money; that’s why there is a strong possibility that you will wind up on “The Maury Povich Show” this week. Maury can get the blood work done for free. All we have to do is convince your mother to show up. We go on right after the “Baby Mama Drama” taping. So don’t wear anything too nice because it might get stained or even ripped.
Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23) I think it’s safe to say that if you are a Virgo named Bill O’Reilly, Joe Lobo hates you.
Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23) I predict a riot.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) Your hair is getting dangerously long. According to your mother, you’re starting to look like one of those damned Bee Gees. I see a knock-down, drag-out confrontation between you and your mother; clippers and a comb will be prominently involved.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 22) OK, no more Bolton. The lawyers tell me I can’t do that. What can I say, though? I see a big Aryan dude with a crimped mullet in your future. Now you tell me, what “Love is a Wonderful Thing” crooner does that remind you of?
Capricorn (Dec. 23 – Jan. 19) I know I told Pisces to watch out, but you should have heeded the warning as well. Now that you have been shanghaied by those merciless pirates, I predict a bout of scurvy in the near future.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) You will stay up to a ridiculous hour writing horoscopes because you have nothing else to do. You will laugh at how brilliant all of your jokes are and then fall asleep. When you turn them in to your editor the next day, he will ask if you were drunk when you wrote them.
