ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Paper cuts, discount airline tickets, blasphemy and typhoid fever … it’s been quite a month now, hasn’t it? Well, sorry, it’s not going to get any better. Why not pick a new month to be born in? Tonight: Don’t drop it. It’s HOT.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Thank God Ford discontinued your namesake. You’re just a P.O.S. nobody wants. Not even your mother. That’s why she stole you from your hunger-stricken third-world country and gave you a ridiculous haircut. Tonight: Let your “pho-hawk” down.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Take comfort in knowing that at least one in four sexually active college students also has a type of VD, too. You’re not alone … but you will be for the rest of your life. Tonight: At Planned Parenthood, it’s going down.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)For the first time in a long time, you should wake up and be thankful for the fact that your sign isn’t herpes, AIDS or gonorrhea. Tonight: Make dinner for everyone … no seriously, do it.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Your thesis that masturbation cures all problems hasn’t really panned out so much now, has it? It’s raining outside, and everything feels so flaccid. Tonight: Resist.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)Oiy Irgvo, al tings considered, mos o you’re freinds lik u. Your dissent, carring and trstworty. To badd your dyslexic. Tonite: That red sign – it doesn’t say POTS.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)So, word has it that Aries and Libras are the worst drivers internationally. We already told Aries to pick another month to be born in, so we’ll tell you to just stay off the road and never parallel park near my car, ever. Tonight: YouTube “Walk it out.” You’ll thank me.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Happiness is a warm feeling, not a Will Smith movie. Yes, you’re sitting on your hot plate. Tonight: Pursue something other than happiness spelled improperly … pursue something more modest, you sloppy drunk.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Sag – no, not as in SAG awards. You’re not even in the Screen Actor’s Guild. You wannabe. Tonight: You can go your own way… (go your own way).
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)Hey Capricorn, unless your name is Jesus Christ, you’re as inconsequential as everyone thinks you are. Tonight: Try not to pout so much.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Angelina Jolie and her kid are at that school on Freret Street for French kids or something. Now’s your chance to beg her to adopt you, too. Tonight: Jail.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Buy the Velveeta mac and cheese. You don’t need milk like you do with that Kraft mac and cheese powder stuff. Tonight: Any way you want it.
