Hello fans. I don’t quite know how to put this, but you might have heard of me. I’m kind of a big deal. You’re reading the Society of Professional Journalists Region XII numero uno sports columnist. I know you might think that being an award-winning journalist has gone to my head, but let me make things quite clear: Chuck Alexander has not let a little award get to his head. Chuck Alexander puts on his pants like any other award-winning columnist does, one vastly superior leg at a time … and when I’m done I write excellent sports columns.
Unfortunately, the compromising photos I have of The Maroon’s former sports editor in the back room of Molly’s at the Market are no longer enough to garner a regular column in the sports section. However, I would like to point out to any enterprising young sports writers out there, that endless groveling, lots of cash and washing the new sports editor’s car every Tuesday afternoon will eventually get you a guest spot.
The problem with such a long layoff though is that I have become incapable of putting together coherent thoughts in a short period of time. These first three paragraphs have taken me four weeks to write. I’ve fallen off the productivity wagon, and I don’t think I’m getting back on for quite some time. With that being said, forgive me if the following seems a little disjointed. These are just a few of the observations I have had in the past few months.
Okay, I know the steroid “scandal” is serious, harmful and overall bad for sports, but I’ll be damned if I don’t praise the powers that be every morning for helping bring my favorite sports punchline back into the public eye: Ozzie Canseco. Think about it: Has there ever been a more entertaining semi-celebrity sibling? Don Swayze? Frank Stallone? They all have nothing on Ozzie. None of them gave you that sheer jolt of ecstasy that you got from watching Ozzie try (and fail) to live up to his twin brother’s legacy. The man was like Billy Ripken, but with a mullet. How can you improve on that?
* Nothing beats the thrill of watching Duke lose. I bet CBS has to call in an entire crisis team of specialists to help Billy Packer and Jay Bilas cope.
* By the way, is it just me or is one very important player being left out of the steroid controversy: George Brett, Major League Baseball’s most famous case of ‘roid-rage.
* I’m going to go out on a limb here and finally fill out my bracket. I have Louisville, Illinois, Michigan State and UNC going to the Final Four. Anyone want to start a pool?
* My favorite quote over the past few months: “Any time I’ve taken the mound, it’s always been the old Samson-and-Goliath story written about me.” Randy Johnson- man, myth, poet.
* Jim Wyatt of The Tennessean says that the Tennessee Titans’ number one goal for the 2005 season is to stay healthy. Funny, I would have thought that their goal would be to stop getting arrested.
With that, I’d like to address one final issue. A few of my loyal readers, all three in fact, have pointed out a bet I made in one of my previous columns. In the disputed column, I promised to go to a full day of classes wearing only a Speedo if Georgia Tech failed to reach the Final Four this year. I, um, I never said that.
I would never do something so shameful. This is the liberal media conspiring to pass their immoral stance on nudity unto unsuspecting, America-loving Fox News-watchers, and they’re trying to start with me and my abundant leg hair.
It’s not a pretty sight, folks, and I won’t subject the good people of this fine institution to it.
