Subway and I have a bit of a problem. I have tried to work it out, but we keep coming back to the same situation. And my family loves Subway’s sandwiches, so I can’t just avoid the restaurant.

Like I said, it is a problem.

So, here’s where we go wrong.

I go into a Subway and greet the friendly Sandwich Artist. The artist asks me what I want. After looking through the menu, I offer up a suggestion — let’s say a chicken teriyaki sub.

But this is where things go off the rails.

The next inevitable question I get is “what do you want on it?”

I don’t know what I want on a chicken teriyaki sub. I am not a chef. I didn’t design this sandwich in a test kitchen and present it to focus groups before releasing it. How could I know what ingredients make the most delicious chicken teriyaki sandwich?

So, I respond “whatever is supposed to go on it.”

Oh Lord. It has begun.

Their response: “well, sir, it is whatever you want.”

But again, lacking the pedigree of a Sandwich Artist, how am I supposed to know?

“I just want the sandwich as it is supposed to be.”

They respond that it is completely up to me. There is no idealized chicken teriyaki sub out there in the ether to which all other subs aspire.

Plato would be so disappointed.

So, with the new realization that we are in a brave new world of sandwich anarchy with no rules and no set ingredients, I change my order.

“Never mind. I would like a vegetarian sub, please.”

Relief washes over the Sandwich Artist’s face as they respond “OK, great. What do you want on that?”

My response? “Chicken teriyaki.”

The panicked Sandwich Artist now again says that is a different sandwich. I ask which one.

The artist tells me it is the chicken teriyaki sub.

“Great. Make me that please.”

This can go on for hours. My family is standing in the background, my teenage daughter horrified by the scene their stubborn father is making.

It’s not that I dislike choice. I love that Subway offers customization. If the standard recipe included veal, I love that I could tell them to not include that. Like when I go to Burger King and get it my way right away.

Burger King doesn’t grill me about what should go on my Whopper. But if I had a problem with ketchup, they would be more than happy to help me out.

OK, so maybe I am the jerk here. I’m not too proud that I can’t admit when I’m wrong. So, I go online for some guidance, and what do I stumble on but Subway’s website.

Tucked below the nutrition information on the chicken teriyaki sub is a phrase that sets me off anew.

“Nutrition information for all other subs are based on chef recommended recipes,” the website taunts me with.

Can someone please just make me that? I’d love a chicken teriyaki sub.