Wow, I wish I was writing a column about Jazz Fest right now. Instead, I’m at the library at 5:00 a.m., looking back to all those months ago when I was like, “Yeah! I’ll definitely have all my finals magically completed weeks in advance because I’m such a good student, and I will totally have the time and money to go see Hall and Oates and Frank Ocean.” What a fool I was. Of course Jazz Fest always falls during finals, and I always finish my finals at the last possible minute. Why must school constantly interfere with my partying schedule.

I’ve failed you as a Life & Times columnist. I should be out there with the human beings. Instead, I’m a study robot. I therefore dedicate this column to everybody who thought they might be able to go to Jazz Fest, only to find themselves spending these last weekends of the semester at Library Fest, which is a much lamer music festival mostly composed of the fuzzy-sounding pollution hip-hop you can overhear coming out of the ear buds of the guy a few tables away from you.

The crazy party drugs involved are mostly coffee, which can actually make you see crazy stuff after a sufficient period of no sleep and malnutrition. Then there are the Adderall abusers – avoid these people. You’ll recognize them because they actually look happy, and when they corner you in conversation, be prepared to hear some conglomeration of their final psych paper as applied to their entire life story mixed with complaints about chapped lips and then assertions that they are fine, just fine – but like, too fine. Run from these people. They are the equivalent of the cokehead trashing in the front row at Jazz Fest: a mosh-pit made of one.

Then there’s television. If you don’t have your own Netflix account, you know someone who does. Between study sessions, you need something stupid to clear your head. It’s like cleansing the pallet. It’s like excusing yourself from Jazz Fest excitement to take a breather and grab a bottle of water before you unleash yourself back into the party. Watch one episode of something stupid that only lasts thirty minutes. Do not let yourself watch that second episode! TV is like potato chips: delicious. But all the fake doctors on “Grey’s Anatomy” won’t help you pass your biochemistry exam, I promise you.

Stick to one episode or else take a nice walk. Smoke if you smoke. Buy your own coffee machine if you have extra money, because Community Coffee just can’t keep up with hardcore Library Fest ravers like us. BYOB, and remember: You Only Library Once.

Chacha Murdick can be reached at [email protected]