A long time ago, I wrote a column that made reference to my Loyola-specific plan in the event of a zombie outbreak. Since then, I received numerous e-mails regarding the specifics of that plan. So, I thought it would be prudent to finally answer both of them, since this will be my final chance to address them before the summer. Here, then, is my take on the subject.
My course of action will be most efficient in what might considered an average outbreak, so it would be best to begin by defining the characteristics of an average outbreak. In this scenario, the zombies will most likely come from the surrounding area, since I’m pretty sure Loyola itself is not in possession of biological weaponry/biological experiments/zombies.
Further, there will likely be a high percentage of the infected either en route to the Uptown area or already within its perimeter. As such, this means that we, as a community, would need to work together to avoid any casualties on campus.
The first step would be assessing friends and peers for signs of infection. In the event that anyone you know appears to be infected, the easiest way to avoid an awkward situation in which you have to ask them to follow you outside so you can “talk about some stuff” is this: say that Tuck’s just re-opened, they still aren’t carding and everyone who’s anyone is there, man. You have to assume that, since they somehow got infected before the zombie apocalypse really even kicked off, they aren’t exactly the strongest link in your group, anyway.
The next step is to find something with which to arm yourself. The first thing that comes to mind is probably going over to LUPD and raiding the gun cabinet, but they probably wouldn’t appreciate that, and it is doubtful there would be enough to go around, anyway.
Instead, you will want to (quickly) go up to your dorm room and find something heavy and/or blunt you can use. If all else fails, I plan on taking down the towel rack in my room and using it like a crowbar, but anyone who does this will want to make sure they keep up with it, so they won’t get charged by ResLife.
Here is where my plan becomes dichotomized: if there aren’t too many undead around yet, then it would be smart to get off campus and to somewhere safe (like a military base or a boat); but, if there are too many undead around to make a speedy escape, it is then time to fortify Buddig Hall. Why Buddig, you ask? Why, because Buddig has so many stairs that even the most diligent zombie would have to stop and take a breather at some point, allowing us to pick them off one by one if they get too close.
From that point, everything becomes relatively easy, and it will just be a matter of setting up a distress signal on the roof to escape at some point.
Thanks for asking. Now, back to finals.
Chad Carlile can be reached at
