Now that Americans have four more years of “uniting, not dividing” Compassionate Conservatism to look forward to, I think it’s safe to say that Canada’s Board of Tourism is about to experience it’s biggest boom since Tricky Dick’s Lost Weekend in Saigon. But let’s not be selfish here, my fellow Americans.

As guests of the Great White Hope known as Edmonton, Alberta & Friends, we are obliged to bring a little something extra to show our hosts gratitude.

The Pilgrims brought smallpox. I think we can do better.

I’d like to do my part. In fact, I’d like to educate the entire Great White North – yes, even those wacky French Canadians – about the game that one of their own, Dr. James Naismith of Almonte, Ontario, invented.

Moreover, I’d like to give them a rundown on what teams will do well this year, what teams will be middle of the pack and what teams will be playing in Atlanta – hint: there’s one, and it’s rumored to be as competitive as a WNBA farm team.

It’s always good to educate the ill-informed about how much we rock. It’s called giving back to the community. It’s very compassionate and, oh so conservative.

Let’s start in the East. The Eastern Conference is the Rodney Dangerfield of basketball. It’s wacky, often funny to look at, gets no respect and, with the exception of a few choice teams, is as dead as a doorknob.

For the Canadians out there, this is our version of Quebec. Try not to ridicule it too much; every now and then they blow up and beat the Lakers in the Finals, like Detroit did last year. Speaking of Detroit, they seem primed to usurp the throne from the New Jersey Nets as the team that might as well just receive a bye into the Eastern Conference Finals every year.

I like Detroit in the East because they resigned Rasheed Wallace, meaning they have the same nucleus as last year’s team that shut down the Lakers in the Finals. I also like them because Larry Brown, thanks to his poor showing as coach of the U.S. Olympic team this past summer, once again has something to prove. Seriously, has any man gone from coaching genius to goat in such a quick amount of time? Should he form a support group with Lenny Wilkins and Pat Riley? It’s safe to say that Larry will definitely have his edge back this year.

After Detroit it gets a little tricky. Sure, I like Indiana. With the acquisition of Stephen Jackson, they have a solid go-to guy in the clutch, but the fact that their swingman Ron Artest is as stable as a house of cards on a tilt-a-whirl makes me shy away from picking them as Eastern champions.

I definitely believe Miami has the ability to make it to the Finals – any team with Shaquille O’Neal is automatically a step above the rest – but, like most people, Shaq’s age is what worries me. Sure he’s capable of carrying a team by himself from time to time, but he hasn’t had to do that in years.

South Florida is a great place for the elderly, but don’t expect any “Cocoon” – like magic from Shaq until his supporting cast improves.

The only other team that impresses me is Chicago. They have a great nucleus of young players – Eddie Curry, Tyson Chandler, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon and Luol Deng – who will all be superstars someday. The question is: How soon can they fulfill their potential?

So there are my top four teams for the Eastern Conference: Detroit, Indiana, Miami and Chicago. I would go into further detail, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome just yet. The Canadians wouldn’t be too happy to know what I think about the Toronto Raptors chances of making the postseason: It’s what the French call ‘non.’

And there it is – the Eastern Conference in all of its shame.

Coming next: my Western Conference picks – severely aided by the fact that the season will be two weeks old.