Astros 12, Braves 3
It’s a sad day in Hoosier Joe Country. I was duped, taken for a ride, hoodwinked, bamboozled, hosed – I actually believed the Braves could win in October. But, once again, it was not to be. This has to be the longest running rerun in sports history.
For years, I’ve lived a lie as my fellow Braves fans and I – all five of us – mistook our team as world-beaters. Instead, we’ve seen seven other teams celebrate a series victory on our field. Every year, I go into October believing the hype built up by yet another division title, and every year I walk away as unfulfilled as Kate Moss at a barbecue.
As Dr. Phil would say, “Son, you’ve got a litany of trust issues to work out. Now what are you gonna do ’bout it?”
Well, Phil, I’m glad you asked.
I’ve got a few ideas on how best to ease the pain, but I’m going to need your help in dispensing some “tough love” of my own. So here you go, Braves. It’s time to stop lounging around during the postseason and “get real.”
Let’s start at the top: Bobby Cox. Oh Bobby, you’re revered throughout the league as the consummate player’s manager. You won your 2,000th game this season. You’ve been around the game for half a century. Your players love you, but you’ll never get their full respect because they have no reason to fear you. They know that if they disappoint you, there will be no public retribution because you would never do that to a player. Right now, your players fear you as much as I fear getting hit on at an Indigo Girls concert.
What does Dr. Phil have to say about this?
“Trust me, a little tough love makes all the difference. The next time Furcal has a beer and decides to drive, smack him around a little and tell him to go make a sandwich. He’ll respect you in the morning.”
Chipper Jones: As Dr. Phil would say, performance anxiety is a natural thing. It happens to one out of every four males. Of course, those males aren’t making $80 million to perform – and I bet Phil’s talking about something other than hitting a curveball.
Dr. Phil’s advice: “Chipper, it’s time to start showing the same kind of passion in the playoffs that you do at Hooters. Forget about the cocktail waitresses and focus on your hitting.”
J. D. Drew: Finally the Braves got the semi-productive, over-hyped multimillion dollar player they traded for, instead of that pesky 30 homer, .300 hitter that showed up in the regular season. It’s great that you accepted who you are – an enormously gifted athlete who will never live up to his full potential – but, as Dr. Phil would say, “It’s great that you’re finally happy with who you really are. Now change, fatty.”
Russ Ortiz: No, we don’t need Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux or Kevin Millwood – we have…Russ Ortiz? Look, it’s not that you haven’t been a joy to have around. In fact, your frequent early-inning exits have single-handedly kept Paul Byrd employed – and if that’s not the most Good Samaritan act in all of baseball, I don’t know what is. Unfortunately, your location seems to have deserted you. To paraphrase the great Crash Davis: “You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat.” It’s not that we don’t appreciate your talents, they just might be a little misplaced.
Right, Phil?
“It’s true, the world needs skilled men like you, Russ. Have you thought about the field of fuel distribution? Just yesterday some poor sod tried to fill my Lexus with low-octane fuel, and I’m a premium gasoline man, dammit! Give me a call, I’ll set something up with the Exxon people.”
Chris Reitsma, Kevin Gryboski and the rest of the Braves middle relief: Even Dr. Phil can’t help you. Try Oprah.
Andruw Jones, Adam LaRoche, Rafael Furcal and John Smoltz: All four of you played with tenacity and the heart of champions. Your teammates may have deserted you when it mattered most, but hold your heads high. You fought hard and almost won the series on your own. Be proud of yourselves. Braves fans everywhere – all five of us – are.
Oh and I didn’t quite understand Dr. Phil’s advice to you, but here you go: “I hate little children and the elderly. Bow before me.”
