Now that Martha Stewart is heading off to what is destined to become one fabulously decorated jail cell, the future of a home improvement empire she built from scratch is in jeopardy. In a way, I feel sorry for Ms. Stewart. Though the multi-millionaire possibly let greed lead to her own downfall, perhaps the media and the justice system unfairly targeted her.
After all, as many have argued, she was a driven and successful woman in a man’s world and thus a threat to male power. Either way, in a case like this one, we cannot forget the real victim: America.
Where are we style-challenged citizens supposed to go from here? To whom do we now turn for advice on basting? Not everyone knows how to make paper maché salad bowls and, now that the Martha Stewart Living line is about to be obliterated, they sadly may never know. Or won’t they?
America needs a new domestic diva, someone to lead the country in home decoration tips and do-it-yourself gourmet food recipes, and it needs one before someone else makes a reality television show based on finding one. After some careful consideration, I’ve decided – and I think that you’ll all soon agree – that someone is me.
Let me bear this burden. I can, I want, I need to be the one to restore order and beauty to the closets, kitchens and bathroom cupboards of the nation. After all, what is the Land of Freedom if not a haven for homemade knick-knacks and carefully-arranged fake flower bouquets? And if reclaiming that lost hope means manufacturing a product in my name in books, magazines and the latest in home furnishings only to make millions of dollars per year, then that’s just something I’m going to have to live with.
Although my intentions are entirely honorable some of you may be wondering what qualifies me for this job, and I understand your concerns. As much as I believe that mastering microwave chili and instant pudding means I’m capable of doing anything, I suspect I still have a long way to go. But everyone has to start somewhere. The most important thing one needs is the time to commit to this endeavor.
As a soon-to-be-unemployed college graduate, I need a lot of things, but time is not one of them. What I lack in talent, experience, resources, good taste, coordination and business savvy, I will make up for in my dedication.
Mostly though, I have absolutely no intention of going to jail for insider trading, which, in my opinion, gives me something Stewart apparently never had: the intelligence to never get caught.
