ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)You are the height of trailer-park fashion. While your peers walk around in K-Swiss, you sport your K-Mart Kickers. Forget Dolce and Gabbana, you’ve got Liz Claiborne. Tonight: Class it up. Shop at Target.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) While getting in that fight with the cashier over the sale on Cocoa Krispies seemed like a good idea at the time, NOPD doesn’t look highly upon you slapping her. Tonight: Plead guilty.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)While you don’t need a Ziploc to stay fresh, those left over chicken strips from Wow Wingery do. Take out is not as G-Eazy as you may think. Tonight: Yeah, I know you’re fresh.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Remember t.A.T.u, the Russian pseudo-lesbian pop group who garnered MTV airplay a few years ago? Neither do we. Drunkenly kissing members of the same sex at a bar will not gain you lasting fame. Tonight: Strive to get your name on Hollywood Boulevard.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Your name is Leo and you dance upon the sand just like that river flowing through the dusty land. While beachside dancing and, shall I say, more physically challenging activities are romantic, sand has a habit of getting in inconvenient places. Tonight: Shine and show me all you can.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)Lindsay Lohan, fresh from rehab, plans on releasing a hip-hop album. Since L-Lo is the ultimate role-model, follow her lead. Tonight: Spit mad rhymes, bro.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)With your Libra sensibilities, many find it hard to resist you. You’re sociable, charming and oh-so-sexy. Tonight: Love me, love me. Say that you’ll love me. Fool me, fool me. Go on and fool me.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)While The Vagina Monologues felt it necessary to mention the v-word a million times, doing so after you’ve left the theater isn’t wise. The man who sells you cigarettes doesn’t need to hear about it. He hears it enough from his wife. Tonight: The new buzz word is seashell.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Bad tips? No problem. Fill the tip jar with sulfuric acid. Point and laugh. But you may need a new job afterwards. Tonight: Fill out applications.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)OMG. So, like, last night, at that totally legit party, he was like, actually talking to you. So random. Tonight: He is , like, so stupid. Literally.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Mid terms are over. You been stressin’. Tonight: Take a deep breath and go watch Tyra.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)It’s birthday time. But the only dance party you’ll be having is in a tub full of Jell-O. Tonight: Keep an eye out for Bill Cosby , the industrial-sized pudding and a really long hose. This could be a deadly combo.
