GENE

They are written about in the newspaper. They are watched on television. They are talked about on the radio ad nauseam.

Sports are everywhere in our society. Which makes one think: What is a sport?

Is everything that we call a sport really a sport? It is time to redefine what constitutes a sport. Just because it appears in the sports pages doesn’t make something a sport.

But fear not, sports fans. I have made criteria to decide whether a presumed sport is in fact a sport. There are five different measures.

Now, an activity does not have to meet all five requirements to be considered a sport. Instead, I have labeled each activity as a five-level sport, four-level sport, etc. There are seven five-level sports. Four- and three-level sports can be considered sports, but only five-level sports are pure sports. If the activity meets less than three requirements, then it is an athletic competition.

Which brings me to the first requirement. Athleticism.

The people participating in the activity must be athletic and use their athleticism. Of course, an argument can be made that all the activities considered sports today involve athleticism. Except for such leisure happenings, such as bowling, billiards or darts.

The next criterion to be sport-qualified is that the activity must have a ball. Sure, such things as track and field and gymnastics feature incredible athleticism, but there is nothing else for the athlete to worry about. Having a ball makes something more of a sport because the ball forces the athletes to concentrate on more than just running fast. Football and soccer players need to be fast too. Track and field athletes don’t have a ball in the way.

The third and fourth requirements go together like Peyton Manning and changing the play call at the line of scrimmage. Sports need to have teams (more than two participants) and defense. Activities such as tennis and golf are hurt here because both are individual, three-level sports.

A defense adds a much more complicated dimension than individual sports can offer. In tennis, players do make defensive shots and golfers must avoid hazards and deal with complicated hole designs. Neither, however, is a real defense made from an opposing team that tries to stop the offense.

To say that something based on individual effort is a sport is to shortchange the concept of sport. When multiple members of a unit come together as a team and succeed because of all the different parts, the term sport is taken to its full potential. Otherwise, we just have two athletes competing against each other.

Finally, an activity cannot be a sport if the winner is not clear when the event finishes. Basically, anything that involves judges deciding who won based on performance loses this tier of the levels. A person not involved in the activity should not be able to decide who wins. Sorry, boxing, gymnastics and figure skating. Give me a scoreboard and count the points.

In a basketball game, if the game is tied at the end, the teams play overtime. How could one tell if two boxers or gymnasts have tied?

Based on my criteria, the following are pure, five-level sports: football/rugby, basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, lacrosse and son of a gun, water polo.

So stop calling athletic competitions like track and field, swimming and auto racing sports.

Now that I got that load off my chest, can anyone get me a beer?

A pure sport is about to come on TV.

CHUCK

So here’s the deal. After 10 years of struggle, despair, weight loss, weight gain, insomnia, nausea, sweaty palms and a nasty bout with vertigo or maybe lupus (I was never really sure), I am finally graduating from college. It’s come high time for Hoosier Joe to leave Hoosierville, and the mood is a little sad.

It’s not that I don’t want to leave-mentally, I already checked out of here about a month ago-but I do wonder sometimes if I will ever get the chance to write about sports again. I won’t lie, I know next to nothing about sports, but that’s never stopped people like Pat Forde or Jim Rome or that guy on the other side of the page, Gene Guillot.

Since this could be my last chance, I’d like to take this opportunity-in this season of elections and sleazy TV spots-to capture the spirit of the city and take a minute to tear my colleague a new one in a public forum.

My pal Gene claims that sports can be classified on a five-level basis, with Level Five being the “sportiest” and Level One being slightly less sporty than Sporty Spice of the Spice Girls. I can’t really disagree with this; it’s always good to have universal classifications of data based on criteria made up by a single person without any evidentiary support. So, good job there, Mr. Guillot.

However, my pal Gene says that bowling, billiards or darts are not sports because they are “leisure activities” and require no athleticism. It is true, you don’t need too much athletic prowess to throw a dart or make a bank shot or even use the 16-lb. bowling ball, but I believe there’s one classification that my colleague is forgetting: appearance.

Since the dawn of time, man has had one noble quest: do whatever is possible to look cool in front of the opposite sex. Sure, riding the cue ball up the rail to knock in the 8-ball and win the table isn’t athletic; but if you’re hanging out with the motley crew down at Friar Tuck’s, you are Joe Freakin’ Montana.

Sure, throwing a dart is about as physical as typing a column, but ask yourself who looks cooler, someone pulling down a rebound in basketball (a “Level Five” sport) or someone hitting a bull’s eye to win a game of darts? Again, appearance is everything, Gene.

I know this isn’t the best argument in the world but, like I said, I’ve mentally checked out of here long ago.

Before I go, I’d like to touch on something a little different. Yes, adoring fans, I am Joe Lobo. I bring you random bits of horoscopeness, week in and week out. In recent weeks, certain people have taken to disparaging me in their Life and Times columns, and all I can say to that is, “Lisa, you’re fired!”