This intense Justin Bieber Fever that has apparently struck select members of this campus carries with it a slew of nasty rumours set on defaming this poor, confusingly popular boy. I will attempt to recall some by memory and address each diligently so that rumour by rumour, I will hopefully dispel the lies and give the kid a fairer chance at the upper-teenage market.
To begin, it is safe to say that Justin Bieber doesn’t use an auto-tuner on his vocals, or even any kind of effects at all. His recorded voice is clearly all-natural. I know of lots of artists that can sing perfectly in pitch while activating natural flange and chorus modulators in their throats. Some of us are just born with an inherent vocoder, I guess. Examples I can list off the top of my head are T-Pain, Imogen Heap, The Postal Service…the list goes on, trust me.
Secondly, Justin Bieber does not pilfer from his charity concert funds to raise spending money he then uses to buy thousands of his own CDs to boost his ratings on the charts. His popularity may be confusing, but there is no need to accuse Bieber of taking his career into his own hands.
Further, and perhaps with more brevity: Justin Bieber is not a failed Soviet genetics experiment. Bieber is not the epitome of the decline of pop music as a whole.
Justin Bieber is not in actuality a 50-year-old Ukrainian male dancer with a passion for touching tweens’ hearts, a penchant for eating their souls, and a tradition of visiting nursing homes when he gets the insatiable thirst for human blood as he purportedly sometimes does.
When I say, “Justin,” you say “Beiber,” but his mother does not yell, “SUCKS!” just to keep him on his toes. Justin Bieber does not eat puppies for breakfast or starving Darfurian children for lunch, nor does he then follow it up with a small salad for supper. He does not smoke between shows to parlay the realistically nonexistent effects of his heroin withdrawal. He does not actively avoid personal hygiene.
Additionally, there is little evidence to support the claim that Justin Bieber’s lyrics are formed by mixing and matching the letters from the acronyms of the exotic sexually transmitted diseases he has allegedly accumulated thus far, and I would remind you all that such a claim is not only slanderous – we all know that his lyrics are probably just thrown together by an inhumanly enthusiastic producer – but is also inappropriate.
It is anyone’s guess as to the future of his blossoming career, but no one can really convincingly prophesy that Justin Bieber will eventually break under pressure both from the weight of his mother’s expectations as well as from the weight of his gold-digging, sloth-like future wife who will weigh well over 500 pounds from her career in ice cream commercials, will consider her marriage a form of settling, and will be the last remaining sign of the empty husk of Bieber’s outgrown career.
There is no verifiable truth to most of the rumours, and it is sickening. I sincerely hope that those responsible will cease and desist, and not sit around thinking of ways to slander Justin Bieber instead of even trying to write a halfway decent column for this week.
Chad Carlile can be reached at
