Though The Prowler just commenced services last weekend, many have already deemed it the “best ride of [their] life.” As a founding member of the new late-night weekend service, I had the opportunity to sit aboard the bus for the length of its nightly route last Friday.

While recording numbers and monitoring times, I began to notice, much to my surprise, a strong resemblance of the ever-famous “Taxi Cab Confessions.” Therein lies the catalyst of what will surely become Loyola’s very own, ever more famous, “Prowler Confessions.”

While the names have been changed in an effort to maintain the culprits’ anonymity, I must warn you, that the stories you are about to read are 100 percent authentic.

I begin with a story involving a freshman, Mary Jane, in a cell phone conversation with her mother. Mind you it is nearing 1a.m., Saturday.

“Mom, it’s the first of February, do you know what that means?”

“My weed fines double today!”

“Mom, stop laughing at me, this isn’t funny!”

“Can you please send me some money so I can pay my fines?”

“Stop laughing at me! You’re high aren’t you? Ugh!”

Click, she hung up on her mother. While I haven’t followed up with Mary Jane, I certainly do hope that she has made amends with Mom and that those fines are finally paid.

Later in the night, I spoke to a nice young gentleman, Bud Unweiser, who, after a few rounds of drinks was willing to spill his whole rap sheet.

Bud commented that the new shuttle service was a wonderful idea, especially since he had previously been arrested four times for public drunkenness and disturbing the peace.

“I figured, by the fourth time, I wouldn’t even bother calling Res Life to bail me out again. And because Mom and Dad received a similar phone call just last weekend, I decided I wouldn’t wake them again and just sweat it out until morning — orange jumpsuit and all.”

For this, I am glad The Prowler exists. For those of you who ask what Loyola has ever given you, don’t forget this wonderful opportunity to keep your record clean. If only it had begun a few months earlier, Bud could have perhaps one day been admitted into grad school.

The final tale of the evening, and the most poignant if I say so myself, was quite shocking. Now there are things we joke about doing, and maybe even fantasize about doing, but it never really surpasses the realms of the imagination — nor should it.

Picture it: it’s finals, you have been studying incessantly for the past six days. Neither cigarettes nor socializing can take your mind off the endless amount of material you have to learn for tomorrow’s exam, but you need a break. What can you possibly do at this point to relieve the stress?

A young guy named Spanky shared with me his most advantageous method of relieving some stress.

“Take it to the bathroom, man” he informs me. “Go grab one of those Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues they keep downstairs, man, and bring it in with you. You can release all of your stress, man, if you know what I mean.”

Wow. I’m pretty sure this one speaks for itself.

I find myself eagerly anticipating tonight’s run of The Prowler.

If these stories mark only the beginning of many wonderful tales to be heard, far be it for me to miss out on the coming weekends of endless “Prowler Confessions.”

If you find yourself boarding the bus, perhaps after spending some time in one of your favorite local establishments, and you spot a guy hanging around the back of the bus, go talk to him. He loves to meet new people.

Just remember, you can take the free ride but you can’t always take the fifth.