Say, cap, throw away those preconceived notions about New Orleans. We do not spend our leisure time on Bourbon Street. We do not wear Mardi Gras beads for every occasion, nor do we urinate in public. Nobody whips out a quirky, Cajun-French phrase-of-the-day at any given moment, and our diet consists of more than gumbo and jambalaya. Save those for the tourists and fanny-pack-wearing moms and dads on a brief holiday from suburbia.

To help wash away those urban legends, here is a quick guide that may help you brush up on your local behavior.

RED BEANS, RICE AND SPICE

Remember, red beans and rice on Mondays, so get cooking early. If you haven’t been doing laundry all day and you’re just coming back from class, heat up a few cans of Blue Runner beans, throw in some diced onions and Andouille sausage, and make sure you have enough for your neighbors. But please, try to restrain yourself from yelling “Bam!” if you’re adding some seasoning to the mix. You’re about six years too late for that, “Emeril.”

LAGNIAPPE IT UP

You may have heard somebody use the term “lagniappe” among culture-hungry tourists, a word you’ve probably come to know as meaning “extra,” like a few more beignets thrown in at the end of the night. Despite its rich history and international appeal, it is used mostly in reference to the section in The Times-Picayune where one may find movie listings.

COMMON COLLOQUIALISMS

You may hear someone on their phone asking “Say, baby, where y’at?,” thinking they’re asking where they are. But in “Yat” speak, the unofficial language of New Orleanians and their metropolitan neighbors, the question serves as a common greeting among friends and family.

Yats are commonly known as owners of that Brooklynese-sounding accent, natives of Metairie, Chalmette and any outlet of the city you can think of.

“Makin’ groceries,” familiar with previous generations of Yats and other New Orleanians, is still used among locals in reference to a trip to the local super-market, liquor store, farmer’s market, pharmacy, or any other place where one may encounter food and drink.

RANDAZZO’S IS KING

It’s Mardi Gras season, so grab a king cake from Randazzo’s bakery at 808 N. Rampart St. to welcome the season in proper New Orleans fashion. Don’t settle for the jelly-filled super-market brand – that doesn’t count. If you find the baby, cough up the dough for the next round to keep the festivities going through Fat Tuesday.

So where’s a non-local to start in a city that generates thousands of to-do lists? Here’s a weekend starter kit for the New Orleans newcomer.

MMM, MMM, GOOD

Grab a muffaletta from the French Quarter’s Central Grocery at 923 Decatur St., home of the original muffaletta. Opened by the Lupo family in 1906, Central Grocery is treasured by locals and tourists alike, so this is a good place to start your journey. Two slices of large, round, Italian bread with traditional olive salad and layers of capicola, salami, mortadella, and emmanteler make the perfect sandwich, topped with a slice of provolone cheese.

GET ME A PO-BOY, BOY

If New Orleans-Italian isn’t on your menu, you can’t compete with the almighty po-boy. You can find these at almost any neighborhood restaurant, but the fun part is searching for the best. Stuffed between two slices of crispy on the outside, soft on the inside French bread, typical offerings include roast beef, fried shrimp, fried oyster, fried catfish – pretty much anything fried, even French fries (with roast beef “debris” gravy, of course). Ask for it dressed if you want lettuce, tomatoes and Louisiana’s own Blue Plate mayonnaise.

HEY, WILLY, YOU HANDSOME

For a taste of New Orleans’ infamous night life, head down Claiborne Avenue to Handsome Willy’s, where you can find drinks cheap enough to compete with your favorite college bar. Located in the Seventh Ward at 218 S. Robertson St., the nationally-recognized bar in historic Jackson’s Inn was once home to an infamous neighborhood brothel. Now featuring a large, open patio area with a ping-pong table and DJs spinning anything from dub, soul, R&B and everything in between, Handsome Willy’s serves feel-good bar food, killer cocktails and hosts the best Saints parties on game days. On Friday nights check out their Friday Night Paycheck drink specials. If you miss Hurricane Katrina-ravaged Nick’s Big Train Bar on Tulane Avenue, you’ll feel right at home at Willy’s.

DON’T PARK ON THE NEUTRAL GROUND

If you would rather have a more laid back evening, tucked behind a former cab station at 5110 Danneel St. you will find the Neutral Ground Coffee House. Typifying the Uptown neighborhood hangout, with the big, worn-in couches, heavy wooden tables and decorated interior, you may think you’ve stepped into someone’s living room. What may throw you off is the live music, coffee bar and few dozen games of Scrabble being played. Get away from your daily Starbucks routine and sign up for a slot on their open-mic night.

I LOVE THE ’80s

Skip Thursday’s almost-end-of-the-week college bar trip and head to One Eyed Jack’s at 615 Toulouse St., host of Eighties Night, the five-dollar hot, sweaty dance party, complete with transvestites, choice ’80s flicks on a projector screen and three stocked bars to keep you from worrying about how awkward you may look on the dance floor. If you feel like you must go to Bourbon Street, just grab a Lucky Dog and get the hell out of there. Try not to humiliate yourself.

24-Hour Goodness

If you’re still awake, you’ll be happy to know that 24-hour diners are making a comeback in the New Orleans area. Just down the street you’ll find the St. Charles Tavern at 1433 Saint Charles Ave., the place to be for the ultimate late night snack. Cure your insomnia with their biscuits and white gravy with sausage. You’ll definitely need a nap once you’ve mopped your plate with some of your friends’ French toast.

HEY BABY, HERE’S A BIB

For a fancy, local meal to impress your parents, try Pascal’s Manale, famous for creating New Orleans barbequed shrimp. Founded in 1913, the restaurant at 1830 Napoleon Ave. specializes in Italian-Creole, with a stocked bar, oysters-on-the-half shell and offers bibs to its patrons when eating their signature shrimp.

IT’S SNO-ING

When the weather starts to warm up, look out for the seasonal openings of the nearest snowball stand.

Credited to George J. Ortolano with the invention of his SnoWizard machine in 1937, the snowball is a longstanding summer tradition for New Orleans residents.

Ice is shaved to a soft, snowy texture, unlike the coarse and often inedible chunks of ice found in Hawaiian shaved ice. The ice is then packed into a cup and drowned with your flavored syrup of choice.

Locals top theirs with condensed milk or stuff it with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. The SnoWizard stand is at 4001 Magazine Street, where employees will dish out your favorite flavors in a Chinese takeout box.

In Mid-City, Pandora’s snowball stand at 901 N. Carrollton Ave offers huge sizes for small budgets. Try the Tootsie Roll and ask how they came up with the secret recipe.

Though it’s not snowball season just yet, you can get a quick fix from Cool Uptown 8106 Hampson St. at and stuff it with Blue Bell ice cream.

Who knows, if you can stick to this guide, you’ll be navigating pothole-ridden streets like a seasoned pro in no time at all. But then again, this is just a beginner’s course.

Alex Woodward can be reached at [email protected].

Media Credit

Bright graffitti and a silver tuba decorate the entrance to Handsome Willy’s.