ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Before the flight leaves, double-check the cockpit and make sure the pilot isn’t a loaf of bread. Look closely – fake mustaches these days are surprisingly realistic. Tonight: Where’d the bread go?
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) That Saturday night laser tag adventure won’t be the last. Give in to your nerd-by-night lifestyle. Tonight: Is that a 20-sided die in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Using that carton of Egg Beaters wasn’t so bad on your French toast, but next time try not to mistake it for half and half. I don’t think the world is ready for coffee-eggs. Tonight: Coffee-eggs, but just for you.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)That BlueTooth wireless device may not be the best idea while driving. Other drivers think you’re talking to yourself, and your crazy factor is already through the roof. Tonight: No more plastic bags on your head.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Do you have the strength to carry on? Bring a copy of that talent show tape to your next class and your hero just might come along. Tonight: Fast-forward past your juggling act.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)It’s hard when you can’t lower your cell’s volume when it rings in class. Try turning it off. Seriously. Tonight: It looks complicated. You can do this.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Did you know the coroner extracts the fluid from eyeballs during an autopsy? Keep that in mind during your next visit to the eye-doctor. Tonight: Sweet dreams.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Your name is not Adrock, though you may be a Scorpio. Don’t ask me, because I just don’t know. Pull out the cardboard mats and rock those old school b-boy skills to pay the bills. Tonight: We’ve got mad skills …
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)It seems like everyone is picking on you this week, Sag. You can’t make everyone happy … but you can make everyone sorry. I’m not saying go after them “Carrie” style, but don’t get mad. Get even. Tonight: In the clink.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)Where did everyone’s pants go? I see a North Face jacket, I see Ugg boots, but I don’t see pants. I see what looks like black spray-on fabric where pants usually go. Tonight: Find your pants.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Did your parents buy you that robotic, singing lobster? It sings just for you, so you’ll never be alone. That’ll put a smile on your cold, cheerless face. Tonight: Happy Birthday.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Don’t let your friends overshadow your birthday. There aren’t any rules against buying cakes for yourself. Tonight: Eat your feelings, not your friends.
