ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20) Bad choice: switching from SPF 45 to tanning oil. Good choice: bathtub full of anti-skin cancer potion. Tonight: Bathtub full of anti-skin cancer potion.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) Don’t be upset that somebody broke your digital camera during spring break. It’s for the best – some of those shots are illegal in most states. Tonight: Memory card erasure.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Hydroxycut supplements have mutated your body. Use your powers to destroy the weak. Tonight: Disco dance party.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Bob Seger is not the correct answer when asked who painted “Nighthawks.” Tonight: Listen to “Night Moves” and rejoice. And brush up on our art history.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)That full body wax left some ugly scars on your once-hairy body. But look on the bright side: You’re the smoothest human alive. Tonight: Hair growth supplements.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)You shared a tender moment during the conclusion of “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” Just remember, crying openly is totally un-American. Tonight: Suck it up.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Everyone secretly enjoys peeling dead skin after a bad sunburn. But stop eating it. You’re not three. Tonight: OK, you can eat it. But shh …
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You’re name is not Wilford Brimley, and you do not have “diabeetus,” but that mustache is pretty convincing. Tonight: Order tons of Liberty medical supplies.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Facebook’s new look is throwing me off. Stop it, Internet. I’m quitting you. Tonight: I wish I knew how to quit you.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)The 45-minute wait to access LORA at 8 a.m. will drive you insane. Instead, register for classes in three months and pick completely irrelevant classes. Tonight: You’re never going to graduate. Ever.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Stocking up on Little Debbie products is no way to lose weight. Try starvation. Tonight: Not like this.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Don’t feel bad if you spent the entire break watching Japanese cartoons. Pale is the new liposuction. Tonight: Stop carrying around a katana.
