The elevator: the staircase for the student on-the-go. Or for the student not-on-a-diet. This prized invention for the lazy sends hundreds of Loyola students daily to their academic glory.

But you might ask, “Which one is the fastest, and how can I avoid being late?”

To answer these questions, The Maroon put to work our own elevator specialist to test our campus’ academic and residential elevators, floor-to-floor, to see which came out on top. Each measurement is the timing from the bottom floor to the second, including the amount of time passed with the opening and closing of the doors. The following is a record of the results:

The Communications/Music Complex elevators reign supreme in speed, with an impressive 13-second trip. The streamlined, efficient ride is full of promotional posters many feel inclined to draw mustaches on – eye-candy for the brief ride to your floor of choice. If you’re running late, these are guaranteed to send you to class as fast as possible,

In second place is J. Edgar and Louis S. Monroe library; its mammoth, eight billion pound doors open to a world of academia and the cleanest bathroom experience on campus. For a 14-second trip to a quiet study spot on the second floor, these elevators are the most pristine and impressive of the bunch. The wide doors and smooth ride match the elegant, scholastic-inspiring interior.

Carrollton Hall sends resident students to their rooms in a stunning 15-second trip. These elevators don’t let anything get in your way as you race to your rooms for “extracurricular” activities.

Tied for third place, Biever Hall’s smaller, speedy elevators have seen enough action and freshman hijinks to produce “Animal House 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

Buddig, the tallest building in the world, unfortunately houses two of the slowest elevators on campus, clocking in at 16-seconds a piece.

The agonizing waiting process for Monroe’s clumsy and painfully-slow-when-you’re-late elevators takes approximately 16 seconds, not including the infamous bustling lines anxiously waiting for their ticket to class. With elevators more cramped than a Tokyo subway and smells akin to those of a urinal cake, these may be a last resort if you’re in a hurry. But if you’re paying thousands a year for classes, why not live in luxury, even if luxury might smell like week-old milk?

Hidden in the corner adjacent to the Writing Across the Curriculum lab, Bobet’s bulky little-engine-that-could may be a wise choice if you’re heading to an 8 a.m. philosophy class. But if it’s late in the afternoon, don’t be afraid to use the stairs in lieu of a depressingly slow 17-second elevator trip. If this is too difficult, drink a Vitamin Water and suck it up. Do what it takes to avoid the embarrassment of an elevator ride to the second floor with faculty heading to the fourth. Don’t be that guy. Or girl.

Tied for second-to-last place, buried beneath the cavernous hallways and intimidating offices, Marquette also clocked in with a 17-second trip.

Finally, after waiting approximately 23-seconds to reach the second-floor, Mercy’s elevators made last place in this search for the best and worst of our campus. “Mercy has an elevator?” Yes, uninformed Loyola student, the building behind Holy Name of Jesus is home to the university’s slowest elevator. After the “up” button is pressed, a lifetime passes as babies grow into young adults, flowers wilt and grow again, and Dakota Fanning’s funeral becomes a national holiday. Fortunately, the stairs of this building seem to be more popular.

Congratulations, Mercy, for teaching a lesson in exercise. Were you taking notes, elevators?

Alex Woodward can be reached at [email protected].