ARIES

(MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)

Packing on the Freshman 15 shouldn’t be a problem. You already packed on a Taco Bell 10. Tonight: Sweatpants might be a good idea.

TAURUS

(APRIL 21 – MAY 21)

The Nalgene bottle, Hybrid Camry and Whole Foods-stocked fridge don’t make up for a wardrobe that should carry its own visa. Tonight: Cambodia – so hot right now.

GEMINI

(MAY 22 – JUNE 22)

Looking forward to a long weekend? Working unsuspected shifts will destroy your free time. Tonight: Call in sick.

CANCER

(JUNE 23 – JULY 23)

You should probably start worrying about lead paint chips falling into your shampoo. Tonight: Is that asbestos?

LEO

(JULY 24 – AUG. 23)

That hard-earned birthday cash will be going to book funds and coffee. Tonight: Cash the $12 check from your grandmother.

VIRGO

(AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)

Enjoy the clean bathroom while it lasts. Tonight: Happy Birthday.

LIBRA

(SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)

You’ve thrown off countless event organizers by consistently clicking “Attending” on Facebook invites.. Tonight: RSVP, not MMORPG.

SCORPIO

(OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)

Separation anxiety. Aiming for “professional student” status? Go home and take a shower. Tonight: Didn’t you graduate?

SAGITTARIUS

(NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)

Apparently, New Orleanians eat fried shrimp po-boys for breakfast. Tonight: Anthony Anderson.

CAPRICORN

(DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)

No jean shorts and cut-off T-shirts Your Sociology of Gender class doesn’t seem like an appropriate venue. Tonight: Find some pants.

AQUARIUS

(JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)

Lay off the Godfather’s. Tonight: Fiber, water and celery. It’ll be a long night for your digestive system.

PISCES

(FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)

You’ve lost more weight than Jefferson Parish Sheriff Harry Lee. Now do something with that extra skin. It’s creepy. Tonight: Try the Thighmaster.