As we head into this Mardi Gras/Saints season, please stay safe and stay classy. In that order.
By dint of exhaustive (and exhausting) research, we at the Maroon have compiled a list of key things you should know in order to enjoy Mardi Gras to its full potential.
Firstly, the key to all of this for those of you who choose to drink is to know your limit. Remember, as parties go, Mardi Gras is not a sprint; it’s a marathon — five days (plus the Saints warm-up round) of the biggest party in the nation. So, pace yourself. Because of the chaos and overrun and closed streets, don’t expect timely ambulance services. Besides, you would hate to pass out and wake up in the Mardi Gras prison city.
This brings us to the next point: police and the law. The police are charged with maintaining order here. However, they are outnumbered and outgunned (often, quite literally). They are also working overtime and putting up with more foolishness than is humane. In short, they won’t put up with any of your shenanigans. If you see trouble, avoid it at all costs, because everyone who looks like they could possibly be involved will be arbitrarily arrested. Once you are arrested, you’re stuck.
The police force is so overwhelmed that they throw everyone that they arrest in a giant tent-city prison in City Park. There is no court date, appeal or even processing. Your name will be taken down and you will be thrown in a fetid, stinking, miserable encampment with no hope of release until Ash Wednesday. How to avoid this hell?
For starters, don’t antagonize police officers. That includes horses (they are considered officers). Slap a horse, and you get jailed for assaulting an officer.
If you know you have a problem controlling what you say when you drink, then follow these instructions to the dot: write your name and drivers license number on your forearm. If in trouble with the police, put one hand over your mouth and stick out your arm that has your information. This is also handy if you collapse from dehydration and need an ambulance, pass out and get robbed or anything of the sort.
Other things to avoid include fights, drugs, public urination and nudity (honestly ladies, only tourists flash floats for beads – we’re better than that. Also, every time someone flashes, they risk being featured on the next, “Girls Gone Wild” DVD. It happens every year).
We should all be familiar by now with the inconsistency of basic public services in this city. This time of year, it only gets worse. Don’t expect any basic services. This includes roads and public transportation. Because of the parades, roads are arbitrarily shut down, even if they are not hosting a parade. This means that traffic deadlocks are common and altogether unpredictable. As such, you can expect to park miles from wherever you plan to go. So, don’t drive somewhere alone, because you don’t want to be walking alone and don’t forget to wear comfortable shoes.
Finally, don’t limit yourself to downtown parades. Some of the best sights are in parts of the city that university students don’t tend to frequent. All the best bands, Mardi Gras Indian tribes and local parties will be far away from the tourist flytrap that is the French Quarter.
Get out, see something new, stay safe, stay classy and try to remember it.
