Anna Hummel

The contents of this review on each vending machine at Loyola was taken directly from my Notes app where I copied down my thoughts, as I wandered around campus. For accuracy’s sake, I kept it stream-of-consciousness style, so don’t view it as strange if you see random interjections. 

Buddig Hall: 

What happened to the vending machines on the 12th floor? Seriously, where did they go? LUPD, get one of your best officers on the case! My notes for the first floor vending machines are that the hot Cheetos and hot fries are good. The drink machines are bad: the Coke machine never gives me my drinks and on the Powerade one, there’s only the battery acid flavor. Pipeline punch or nothing! That being said, I sometimes get blue Powerade from this one. 

Snack machine: 7/10

Coke machine: 3/10

Powerade machine: 4/10

Overall: 5/10

Sorry Buddig buddies. I’m one of you, and I feel your pain. Seriously, we’re the dorm with the most people, so why do we get the worst vending machines?

Freret Garage: 

Overall, there are great picks in the snack machine here, the Oreos are the second best kind of cookie available in the vending machines on campus. Hot Cheetos and hot fries are always a plus. I wish they had brown sugar Pop-Tarts, not strawberry, but I won’t take off too much for that. The drink choices are adequate. I have nothing really to say. 

Snack machine: 8/10

Drink machine: 6/10

Overall: 7/10

Biever Hall: 

There was a time last year during Easter break where someone smashed the glass in the snack machine and took all the snacks. That was crazy, and glass was everywhere. To be honest, that story makes me miss living in Biever. 

The food picks are good. I like the chocolate chip cookies; there’s not much else to say, but overall, they get a 9/10 because these vending machines kept me alive last year and never failed me (except when the glass was broken.)

The Market:

I am of the eternal review that The Market is the best (and most overpriced) vending machine on campus. That is the life lesson here. El Mercado, tú eres mi amor.

Danna Center:

I’m gonna give the Danna Center basement vending machines a 10/10 because I think it’s cool that they have sweet tea and pork rinds. Very Southern, I must say. Also, Barq’s root beer is a plus.

Self-Reflection:

 If you saw me Monday night walking around campus from vending machine to vending machine, glued to my phone, no you didn’t.

Monroe Library: 

The library vending machines are finals week staples! Nothing beats spending the last bit of money in my checking account to get the same snacks I could buy at the Market if only I hadn’t spent all my Wolfbucks by this point in the semester

Look out for your friends who are wolf-poor six weeks into the semester, it’s a real struggle.

Self-Reflection (pt. 2):

I must look like a crazy person right now. I can hear my friend May calling me a screenager right now as I do this. Is this what being a reporter is?

Monroe Library (pt. 2):

I have a ruthless contempt for the drink machine in the library for only working 50 percent of the time. You’re telling me I want to spend my hard earned (not really) money to stay up to study (talk to my friends in the study room we shouldn’t still be in) and it’s not gonna work??

Miller Hall:

I don’t want to go into Miller Hall, don’t ask why. Can the business majors tell me if y’all have vending machines or not and how good they are or not? DM it to my Twitter. Sorry I mean “ X ”. No, actually, I mean Twitter. Fight me, Elon. 

Monroe Hall:

IT’S 9:57 P.M. ON A MONDAY. THE FACT THAT THEY ALREADY LOCKED MONROE MAKES ME SO UPSET. 

Anyway, I love the Monroe vending machines. The Dunkin Donuts coffee keeps me sane. The ones in the plastic bottles are so much better than the canned ones in The Market. That’s all I have to say about them, which I suppose means I don’t need to go into Monroe. 

I’m not a STEM or design student, so I don’t need access, but I like the sixth floor of Monroe. It has the best spots to nap, and I can see downtown.  

Communications/Music Complex:

Of course, the music building is unlocked. I swear I think these doors are broken. Anyway, I think I spend most of my time here, so I know the vending machines quite well.

I just realized I’ve started whispering my notes out loud as I’m writing them. If I walked past you and you heard me talking to my phone, I’d like to apologize.

First off, I hate the first floor vending machines. I hate them, they never work. (Well, the drink machines work but not the snack one). 

THE SNACK MACHINE TAKES MY MONEY AND NEVER GIVES ME MY SNACKS! IT IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE! I spit at the ground this vending machine stands upon. They say you have to kick the snack one to make it give you your snacks, but trust me I’ve kicked it enough in my time. And alas, the vending machine still owes me $15 worth of snacks. 

I’m gonna give the fourth floor vending machines a 10/10 for emotional support during Maroon press nights on Wednesdays.

Thomas, Marquette, & Bobet:

There’s no way Thomas Hall has a vending machine right?? Are y’all gonna hate me if I don’t review that one? If you’ve read this far into this review, you’re a real one.

Marquette, Marquette, Marquette. I wonder what Dr. Cole gets when he needs a light snack and/or drink.

Marquette fourth floor snack machine, what are oatmeal raisin apple cookies? 

There’s no drink machine up here so I don’t know what Dr. Cole gets to drink when he comes up here for a snack.

I had a fun rhyme about Bobet, but I’ve been advised to remove it.

The only notable thing about these bad boys is that the drink machine gives you canned soda instead of plastic bottles, which I believe are not available anywhere else on campus. I think that’s an environmental win. Maybe? I don’t know.

Francis (my favorite):

The Francis vending machines hit so hard, y’all. Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, hot Cheetos, and hot fries are the best snacks on campus. Francis has them all. Plus, they have better Monster flavors – and Body Armor too!

Speaking of Body Armor, the gym machines are cool because they have the protein shakes that are so much cheaper than The Market.

Also, I’d like to point out here that vending machine prices are, in the vast majority of cases, cheaper than The Market for the same product, but then again, Wolfbucks aren’t real money, so in a way, nothing you buy at The Market is real.

Broadway Campus & Law Library:

To the Broadway Activities Center!

The BAC vending machines suck. I’m sorry. I complained about this in a distribution TikTok (follow The Maroon on TikTok. I’m on there every week, y’all).

BUT GET SOME NORMAL SNACKS PLEASE. I DON’T WANT TO GET SANDWICHES OUT OF A DECREPIT BEASTLY MACHINE, LIKE IT’S BLADE RUNNER 2024 (I have never seen the Blade Runner movies.)

My friend tells me the Cabra ones don’t work so I will take their word for it and say -4/10 to ALL of them. Sorry to the Cabra and Founders people, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. 

I wasn’t going to review the law school library, but a loudspeaker came on saying it closed in 15 minutes, so I felt like going in.

Shoutout to the guy who helped direct me toward the vending machines. Hope you have a good week!

Genuinely nothing to say about the law library ones. I think they have the same snacks as the Francis ones, which is cool. I noticed Rice Krispies Treats. I don’t know if the others had them, but who doesn’t like Rice Krispies Treats? (I have cut people out of my life for their opinion on Rice Krispies Treats. If you don’t like them, argue with the wall.)

Conclusion: 

The moral of the story here is that the snack options at Loyola are a complex tapestry of choices, but I think The Market rules all to be honest. (Again, argue with the wall).

Actually, the real moral of the story: if you’re ever impolite to any of the Sodexo workers, then I hope you lose your debit card on your way to get Boot pizza at 2 a.m. on a Thursday (couldn’t be me.)