ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Kim Jong Ill and North Korea have nothing on you, Aries. We all know that you’re the bomb. Fo sheezy.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Jackson Browne’s 1977 song “Running on Empty” seems to resonate with you. Take a breather. Do something recreational. Remember, stress will make you look like your grandmother. Not that she’s not still a fox …
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Seriously, Ray, come around more often. The weather’s getting cooler, and I could use a strong mayor to keep me warm, … maybe even drink some hot chocolate with.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)The sign for cancer is a crab. How ironic since that’s what you got from that girl at the party this weekend.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) With the amount of body hair you have, you might look like you’re still wearing a shirt when you’re actually not. But we still love you, baby.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Hey there, buddy. Uncle Sam may be angry with you, but I’ll still meet you in our special place: Kinky Capital Hill Chat. We’ll always have the Internet.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)No one forgot your birthday. Yet. Stop complaining … a gift certificate for Sizzler is in the mail, like, yesterday, chief.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You might be charismatic and suave, Scorpio, but saying you’re going to get gas and then getting Taco Bell … well, the truth will eventually be known. Your twisting of the English language can’t confuse the human nose.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)University Police may have given you the boot, but life hasn’t yet. Except for that flat tire. And breakup. And flunked test and … that cat you found does have fleas. And, uh, so do you now.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) Your sign sounds a lot like candy corn. Mmm … candy corn.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) Your mom always told you sleeping in would catch up with you. That extra 15 minutes you slept, well, you slept through the Dawning of the Age of Aquarius. Welcome to the brunch of Aquarius. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)What are you doing with your life, Pisces? Put down the PSP and find that missing left sock. It didn’t walk away on its own. Ha. Ha.
