He’s the ultimate showman. The Sporting News named him one of the “Good Guys” in sports back-to-back years. He’s my hometown hero.

And because Tim Duncan is one of the “Good Guys,” his wow factor is non-existent.

I know I will catch hell for this from my fellow Virgin Islanders, but Duncan is just lacking.

The argument among St. Croix’s residents is that Raja Bell is more Crucian (that’s a term for a St. Croix native) than Duncan. I tend to side with Duncan because of the mere fact that Duncan lived there longer. But on popularity polls, the two-time MVP is maybe second to Bell.

Bell, who’s been considered a journeyman, surpassed the three-time NBA champ in popularity after the Kobe thing. You remember when Bell clotheslined Kobe Bryant during playoffs, forever making him Kobe’s daddy.

I don’t know if Duncan has been away from the Virgin Islands so long that he’s forgotten what it’s like, but as our ambassador to the world, he could throw in some mannerisms that are characteristic of the West Indies.

Quick reminder: St. Croix is the land where swerving to avoid horses, goats and cows is the norm, where rum is a food group, where you can drink and drive but can’t talk on cell phones, where most the popular senatorial vote goes to a bum named Richard, where sucking your teeth (known as “chupps”) is a calling for a fight to go down.

Now that you got it, apply it. If only Duncan were to suck his teeth towards a fellow islander like Golden State Warrior Adonal Foyle or 76er Samuel Dalembert, a brawl would ensue that only the strength of a hundred men could stop.

So I’m torn. As a Virgin Islander, I’m obliged to love Timmy (as he’s affectionately known back home). And I do. Because we do not have any professional sports teams – only players – they take on the role of beloved franchises. So when Duncan and the Spurs won the ’99, ’02 and ’05 championships, we all won. And when then-San Diego Charger Hanik Milligan was selected to the Pro Bowl last year, it was as if all Virgin Islanders were selected.

I often hear people say that Milligan doesn’t sound like he’s from the Islands. Well, it’s because he doesn’t speak that way. His Caribbean patois has taken an indefinite leave of absence from his tongue.

In my two encounters with Duncan, he’s been as exciting as a pot of white rice.

I was inspired in writing this column by ESPN columnist Bill Simmons’ ode to Tiger Woods and his lack of personality. So, like Simmons, I proposed a few ideas that Duncan can use to increase his star power and prepare during the off-season. Please consider these five tips to keep us tuning in:

1. I loved your ruggedness – growing out your beard and the complete disregard toward your growing Afro in the pre-season last year. What happened? Why did you go clean cut on us? Perhaps you could grow out your hair again, maybe even get dreads, so that you could spank competitors with after one of your classic bank shots.

Look at Ben Wallace, whose game is measured in inches per ‘fro. We have all heard your disapproval of the NBA’s dress code, so why not go gangsta? Ditch the jacket, go with all black, a diamond grill or a jacket hat’st inside out. It worked for the Fresh Prince. Or maybe color your hair ice, gold and green – it worked for Rodman.

2. Every baller has a street name: Pistol Pete, AK47, Skip to my Lou. Big Fundamental and TD aren’t cutting it. Why not T-Dunkin’, T-Daddy, T-Dizzle or Sir-Dunk-Alot. Mix it up.

3. Don’t make it so easy and effortless. Shoot some half-court shots, maybe even Grannie it. Pull a Jordan and shoot free throws with your eyes closed. Sit out for the small games – -it worked for Pete Sampras.

4. Play the “I’m smarter than you because I went to college and didn’t skip it to get a Nike contract” card. Some trash talking wouldn’t hurt. Flaunt your championship rings. Ask Dirk Nowitzki, KG and Yao Ming where theirs are. One of your biggest critics, Charles Barkley, compared you to a Groundhog. Fire back!

5. Ditch the white wife and hook up with someone famous. Chris Webber did it with Tyra Banks, Rick Fox with Vanessa Williams. Even your French friend Tony Parker is nailing Eva Langoria … Ay caramba!