ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Fame and fortune will find you when you invent the next big thing since the pet rock. You’ll be known as the guy that patented the pet garden pebble – and lived happily ever after. That’s the way to show your third grade teacher who the real buffoon is.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)After re-reading the stars again, I have a correction to make: YOUR mom goes to college.

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)You are sedentary, bland and generally lackluster, Gemini. Nothing ever changes for you, just read last weeks’ horoscopes.

CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)It’s all fun and games when chasing garbage trucks until it stops short and you come back home with 14 fewer teeth than you left with. Though a new game can be “Let’s Find Your Smile.”

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) “Sin City” is a great movie. It’s even better that it’s the code name for your house. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve heard about what goes on there.

VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Tickle Me Elmo has a secret he wants to share with you, Virgo: He doesn’t like being tickled, and it’s starting to get him depressed. He asks that you spread his message via your MySpace blog.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Cheer up, buddy. How did you know the project would fail? I mean, it’s not like you TRIED to make a crop hexagon. Some flash cards might help with your shape recognition. They’re colorful, at least.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Things were so great when you heard you were a brooding presence in a room. Then you read the dictionary. Thanks a lot, Daniel Webster, you dream buster.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)I understand it’s cute and cuddly, but it’s not your pet cat. That is unless you want to be known as “that crazy old cat lady.” And buddy, since you’re, you know, a guy and all that might not be the coolest nickname going. Just a wild guess, though …

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) It’s been several weeks since I realized your name sounds like candy corn. I’m not getting any less hungry here. Be a dear and buy Mr. Lobo some candy corn already, will you? Thanks. And I’ll be checking for planted razorblades. Those are NOT tasty like candy corn.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) If you don’t come get your stuff, I’m gonna break it. With a bat. Oh, and hooray – I fit into skinny jeans now. YOUR skinny jeans. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)There’s a package waiting for you at the bus station. Take the St. Charles Avenue bus, get off at Lee Circle, look both ways before you cross the street and continue to the bus station. Look for Stacy. He’ll have the package. Just don’t laugh at his name. He’s very sensitive.