Aries (March 21 – April 20) Someone is wishing they could play the Paul Shaffer to your David Letterman.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21) Your grandmother will continue to meddle in your affairs this week. Just remember, she has you in her will. Put up with it.

Gemini (May 22 – June 22) Be cool and confident in your decision-making this week. You’re bound to make the wrong decision anyway, so why not look good doing it?

Cancer (June 23 – July 23) Albert Einstein once said, “I want to know God’s thoughts. The rest are just details.” Albert obviously never read Joe Lobo’s horoscope section. That wasn’t blasphemous, was it?

Leo (July 24 – Aug. 23) Leo, it’s official. You’re not my kid. Maury Povich says so. Maury doesn’t lie, nor does the blood work. In other words, it’s about time for you to quit sleeping on my futon.

Virgo (Aug. 24 – Sept. 23) Wacky things you will do this week: buy “World’s Greatest Journalist” novelty hat; pimp “The Factor”; crank call Al Gore; take a transcript of last Thursday’s show, a copy of “Treason” by Ann Coulter, a Sharpie, a bottle of Wild Turkey and go make some news … Unfortunately, you will not knock down a few cold ones and then go quail hunting with the vice president.

Libra (Sept. 24 – Oct. 23) Patrick Swayze is making a rap album … you just seemed like you were probably having a rough week, and I wanted to make you laugh.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) With Harrah’s officially re-opened, your life is complete again. Perhaps it’s a good idea to heed the advice of my good friend “The Gambler”: You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, know when to run.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 22) “Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? Now that I’ve been loving you so long. Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? How am I supposed to carry on when all that I’ve been living for is gone?”

Capricorn (Dec. 23 – Jan. 19) Did you know that chewing gum while cutting onions will prevent crying? However, nothing can keep you from crying when you’re interviewed by Barbara Walters.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.

Pisces (Feb. 20 – March 20) You have an admirer. He works in the religious studies department. He thinks the horoscopes are genius, and you are on cloud nine. He tells a friend that the editorials are stupid, and you come crashing back down to earth. For the record, Joe Lobo likes the editorials – he just hates the editor in chief.