In my free time, I like to sit around and think of ways that our country could be improved. On a weekly basis, I come up with more brilliant ideas than politicians do in a lifetime. I suspect this is because I have more free time than most politicians, but that’s neither here nor there.
What is both here and there is Walgreens. Since I can remember, Walgreens pharmacies have been popping up like pimples on the faces of pubescent boys. There are nine within three miles of my house. Are this many Walgreens necessary? Not really. Helpful? Probably not. Beneficial to the quality of life for the average American? I do not believe so.
In fact, I can think of numerous things that would serve to enhance everyday life more so than Walgreens. For example, think about how much more exciting life would be if there were roller coasters on every corner instead.
I would hop out of bed two hours early every morning and ride all of the roller coasters within three miles of my house before going to school. There’s no better way to start the day than with nine roller coaster rides. It kicks the grits out of coffee.
Though, I suppose it wouldn’t be a bad idea to keep the pharmacy element of Walgreens. That way, people could just drop off their prescriptions in the pharmacy and ride the roller coaster until they’re ready to be picked up! But what if I need to pick up a gallon of milk while I’m out? It would probably be difficult to shop while zipping through the air at 70 miles per hour.
Maybe roller coasters would not make the best replacements for convenient stores. Then what would? Haunted houses. I may be biased because Halloween is my favorite holiday, but I think that convenience stores need a new look—a spooky new look.
The benefits would be endless. Convenience shopping would be a thousand times more convenient. It wouldn’t take nearly as much time because people would be too terrified to stick around the store for 45 minutes flipping though trashy celebrity gossip magazines.
People would save money and only buy what they really need. Before heading to the store, they would have to think to themselves, “How much do I really need shaving cream? Is it worth being chased by a zombie?”
In fact, I think that all stores in America should be changed into haunted houses. This would probably solve most of the problems associated with America’s consumer culture. Credit card debts would vanish because people would only buy necessities. Americans would not be exhausting natural resources or shoveling heaps of non-biodegradable waste into colossal landfills at the rate they are now.
However, I’m not really sure how business models work, and it might not be a wise economical decision for these stores to hire a bunch of new employees to run around in expensive costumes and gory makeup, deterring people from buying as much as they used to.
As much as I would like to live in a land with haunted houses and roller coasters on every corner, the country does not seem to be ready for such a change at this time. Maybe someday America will have a president who loves haunted houses and roller coasters, who understands economics better than I do, and who can make this dream come true.
Holly Combs can be reached at
