I consider myself a rational person. I thoroughly think my way through issues and for the most part, I can control my emotions — an acquired habit I learned the hard way after my mother grounded me for the majority of 10th grade due to my insurgent tantrums.
But emotion can’t always be controlled and it often hurts reason.
The other day I conducted an accidental experiment. Under the influence of slightly too much alcohol and a great lapse in judgment — ingredients conducive to irrational acts — I sent my ex-boyfriend an anonymous message telling him that I thought he was hot. (Don’t act like you haven’t done some version of this at some point of your lives).
Due to the blessing, or debatably the curse, of technology, he didn’t know it came from me, but he did have the opportunity to reply. Days later, he responded: “I wish I could say the same, and maybe I could, if you would like to tell me who you are.”
In theory, I would think nothing of it and log the mistake away never to be brought up again, but in reality, I felt a jealous twinge in reading that message. Usually, I am not a jealous person and that relationship has been forgotten and over for a while, but for a moment, I caught an irritating glimpse of his interest in someone else. Because I was the one to end that relationship, my jealousy was unreasonable to me. But after some thought, I reluctantly accepted that in some cases I cannot command my feelings. Especially in love — even in the past tense — tricky emotions can insurrect against reason’s authority.
I chose to share this embarrassing moment because it illustrates something we have all experienced in some way or another: emotions can overrule our reason and make us seem and feel stupid — even to ourselves. Perhaps, it is in getting a disobedient flip in your stomach when you see a girl flirting with your guy, or in being unable to speak coherently when you talk to your crush or in liking the person that you know will never like you — you feel stupid because it is stupid. Reason does not comprehend how you could possibly like a person that doesn’t know you exist. Reason does not understand why you would be jealous of someone you broke up with. But in these situations, emotion is king and you succumb to its idiotic will.
The battle between the mind and the heart is not easy. What you think you should feel can be incongruent with what you really do feel and many times, you can’t help that. But it is important to remember that feeling is arguably the most beautiful thing about being human — even if those emotions lead you to “stupid” feelings or behavior.
Personally, I am glad to feel these things — it’s better than being a robot that only does what it’s programmed to do.
Melanie Aleman can be reached at [email protected]
