In Spanish, we have a saying that roughly translates, “I drink to drown my sorrows, but the SOBs know how to swim.” Recently, my housemate went through a terrible breakup with her boyfriend of four years and since we are both Ecuadorian, we take the above saying quite literally in these kinds of situations. For this reason, she has been attempting to drown her sorrows, unsuccessfully, for the greater part of a month. As the good friend I am, I made her troubles my own. We’ve had many liver-damaging sessions that have produced some rather illuminating conversations.

    When is the best time to break up with someone? This was one evening’s focuses since she was dumped close to her birthday. We concluded that it is bad form to break up with someone before their birthday passes, because then it seems like the person doing the dumping is simply trying to get rid of the responsibility of doing something special for their significant other—or from giving them gifts. Dumping someone around holidays is also bad form because of similar reasons and because then the person doing the breaking up will be responsible for any holiday depressions and possibly, their ex’s suicidal inclinations.

Thus, my housemate and I concluded, the best time to break up with someone is before your own birthday. This is acceptable because then the one dumped will, at least, have the relief of not worrying about thoughtful gifts or festive plans.

    Another fundamental question about breakups that surfaced was whether to delete or keep your ex’s number on your cell phone. The answer to this question is simple: Delete. However, this task is easier said than done — and if you read my last column —you have a better idea of how this story goes.

    We are still debating the best way to get over break ups, as drinking has proven to be but a temporary relief. We began the process with the basics: watching a lot of mindless television and eating sugary food. Sadly, I was unable to accompany my housemate through the ends of that method because I simply cannot stomach excessive amounts of sweets. So we moved on to blasting empowering music — like Christina Aguilera’s, “Fighter” or Destiny’s Child’s, “Survivor.” This worked well for a while, much to the dismay of our male neighbors. However, after listening carefully to “Survivor’s” lyrics, we had to disagree with Beyoncé’s phrase that goes, “You thought that I’d be broke without you, but I’m richer.” 

As my housemate and I contemplated the phrase, we came to the conclusions that if you’re a woman, boyfriends usually pay for dates and related things, which contradict the lyrics. Due to this, we were about to discard “Survivor” from our empowerment play list, but it’s such a great song that we opted to overlook lyric.

    After several other experimental methods, the only successful ones in the break up crisis are friendship and humor. It is always the support of those who love and see you through difficult situations. It should go without saying that alcohol does not solve problems and if it appears it does, please, seek help.   

Melanie Aleman can be reached at [email protected]