After traveling over 5,000 miles by herself at 18, Allegra Tartaglia, started college in a completely new country, leaving her safety net far behind.
For the first time in her life, Tartaglia now a history senior, was independent from her parents.Associate Director of Residential Life Amy Boyle said that when children come to college they become more independent, and it can be hard for parents to adjust.
Parents may push their child to grow in their independence, but children hang on to the way things might have been. In order to keep a healthy student-parent relationship while in college, Boyle said you should have communication, education and patience. “Communicate your concerns, hopes, fears, frustrations, love. Educate yourself on the issues at hand; learn about what each of you are going through. Patience that we all adjust at a different pace and that in time things will get easier,” Boyle said.
The key to making sure parents and college students keep up a good relationship is open communication and talking about expectations, said Alicia Bourque, director of Counseling and Health Services.
“It’s really important to have an open dialogue on how to handle harder situations and to talk about expectations and expected behavior even before you go away to college,” she said.
For Crystal Locicero, finance junior, the transition from high school to college changed her relationship with her parents in a positive way because she is now more independent.
“I’m growing old and breaking free from the nest, doing things on my own that my parents would normally do, but I also don’t get to talk to them as much because I’m so busy,” Locicero said.
Tartaglia said that she feels that she is still connected to her parents, but because they aren’t present in her everyday life, she feels more distant. She also said she thinks that there have been some positive aspects that have come out of the change.
“I mean, it was the survival of the fittest, so I matured because mommy wasn’t doing everything for me anymore,” Tartaglia said.
Boyle said that some of the most common problems that arise between students and parents are knowing when to let go, knowing when and how to communicate, worry and fear of the unknown and struggling to gain and then understand their independence.
Loyola’s Residential Life is open to helping students with the transition, from the information provided in the move-in guide to running Parents’ Weekend and even speaking one-on-one with parents and students who are struggling with the adjustment.
For commuter students, the transition is a little different. Rebeca Triana, graphic design sophomore and commuter, said she doesn’t think her relationship with her mother has changed much, but she has gained more respect for her mother because she has started cooking, working and driving herself everywhere, and it’s tiring. Triana said that she thinks her relationship with her mom might be better if she lived on campus. “Right now I see her all the time, and we get tired of each other, so we don’t really talk that much,” she said.
Bourque said that it is important to strike a balance between independence, which includes adjusting on your own and keeping parents involved or “in the know.”
“Because I don’t live on campus, I have a little more freedom. She lets me stay out all the time as long as I tell her where I’m going. If I lived on campus she would be texting me and asking me what I was doing all the time,” Triana said.
Locicero said that it makes her a little sad because she doesn’t get to spend as much time with her family as she used to, or talk to them as much as she used to.
“My mom is definitely trying to hold on to the relationship. She calls me a lot, but I like it when she calls because it shows she cares,” Locicero said.
One of the most essential things needed for students to have a healthy relationship with their parents is that they need to inform them sooner rather than later when something is going wrong, Bourque said.
Ultimately, the relationship between parents and children should grow to be more of a friendship than a child-parent relationship, Bourque said. “Some instances I want to believe it’s more of a friend relationship, but it is still a child-parent relationship,” Tartaglia said.
Kristen Himmelberg can be reached at [email protected]
