ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Your drunk alter ego is not convincing. Running around without any pants and calling yourself Carl Winslow is a nightmare from the world of “Family Matters,” but not an excuse for making out with a ham sandwich. Tonight: Apologize to the ham sandwich community.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) I know you’re one of those guys who likes to be called by his initials. But your name starts with a “W” and your last name is “Xavier.” Tonight: Seriously? “W.X.” is the lamest name in the history of lame names.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Anderson Cooper? More like Anderson ‘Pooper.’ What a party ‘Cooper.’ Eleventh Annual Father Carter Lecture Series ‘Pooper.’ Ten years from now that name will be synonymous with failure. Tonight: Are your midterm grades on LORA? I got straight Coopers.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)You may want to stop writing your “Clarissa Explains It All” fan fiction. It may be an Internet phenomenon, but once things with Sam and Ferguson heat up, I can’t imagine how miserable and unfortunate your life will become. Tonight: No more Nickelodeon.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)The “300” audience seemed to unanimously agree that Xerxes looked like the inside of a watch. You were too busy watching slow-motion breasts and sitar-playing goats. Tonight: Comic book-inspired movies may not attract the ladies, but that X-Men poster gives you all the love you’ll ever need.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)March is Mustache Madness. Keep it growing, and soon you’ll graduate past that freshman cheese into a beautiful Tom Selleck. If you’re lucky, a Rollie Fingers. Tonight: Stay away from the razor. LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)Wield the power of your retail kingdom. Be confident in your answering of “Got any smell good for kids?” Tonight: Smell good? For kids?
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Nothing is exciting about Asia. Except for the song “Heat of the Moment.” I guess Asia isn’t all that bad. Nice work, Asia. Tonight: Pick up your Asia poster from the frame store.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)That guy from the Irish-Italian Parade may have kissed you inappropriately, but his beads were awesome. I don’t know if it was worth smelling like cabbage and horse, though. Tonight: Did you get his phone number? You miss him. It’s OK.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)So do you get double the presents if your birthday is on Christmas? Let’s hope so, because making fun of hobos on Frenchmen Street makes you look like a foo’, and Santa will not take pity. Tonight: He’s checking it twice, and it’s only March.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Staying up past 3 a.m. leads to ill-advised purchases of hip-hop workout videos and your 15th Magic Bullet. I know, they’re great, but you have enough of them to chop potatoes for a naval fleet. Tonight: Make 14 watermelon daiquiris, and sleep for a week.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)You’ve lasted through Mardi Gras this year, Pisces. Can you make it to St. Patrick’s Day? Let’s hope so. Don’t ruin your birthday with lime green vomit in your green spray-painted hair. Tonight: Remember, your leprechaun hat does not double as a Pot-O-Gold.
