ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Your well-deserved Spring Break is just around the corner. Steer clear of those cameras or your birthday bash may be broadcast on late-night infomercials with other unclad co-eds. Tonight: Ever seen the one with girls in space? Modern cinema has never looked so good.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) Stick close to the kid in line at the Mexican restaurant. He’s been eyeing the huevos rancheros, and you’ve had your huevos set on those rancheros for years. Tonight: Maybe he’ll just ask his mom for a quesadilla.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)New neighbors? Their early-morning indoor bowling is no match for a pair of earplugs. To be on the safe side, hand them the building’s blue prints and highlight the thickness of their floor and your ceiling. Tonight: Extra points for a full-blown apology.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Studying abroad this summer gives you a chance to test your international etiquette. For instance, not so much with the fanny packs and sandals with socks. Tonight: America is still the only country in the world.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Thank for showing off your inner Irishman in all its glory. In the toilet. And the bar. And the backseat of your friend’s car. Green food coloring goes a long way, just be sure it stays far away from you. Tonight: Re-read “Green Eggs and Ham.”
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)Comic sans is your favorite font. It’s usually reserved for text in office e-mails forwarded to you from your mother. You’re now realizing how much you resemble your mother. Tonight: Mom jeans and Keds are just around the corner. LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)You’re still carrying a duct tape wallet, so now may be the best time to start your transition to something more legitimate. Your future boss may not find your lucrative career in selling duct tape products as entertaining as you do. Tonight: Velcro, the same goes for you.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You got more rhymes than you got gray hairs, and that’s a lot because you got your share. Tonight: You can’t, you won’t and you certainly don’t stop.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Don’t stress too much, Sag. Your boss fired you for all the right reasons. But just remember: Tony Danza is the boss in the end. Or was it Angela? The world may never know. Tonight: Whatever happened to him?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)Let someone else do the talking, or you’ll be in for some serious public embarrassment. In the immortal words of the great MC Hammer: Stop. Hammer time. Tonight: He’s an inspirational quote book just waiting to be written. “2 Legit 2 Quit.” You’re inspired already.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Pull out your old Jock Jams albums and pretend it’s still 1996. The Quad City DJ’s will be smiling in their one-hit wonder graves. Tonight: C + C Music Factory is still your number one artist on iTunes.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Happy belated birthday, Pisces. We laughed, we cried, we even found your wallet, credit cards and car keys drowned in a glass of green beer. Where are you? Seriously, we’re scared. Tonight: Amber Alert.
