Ever have the overwhelming feeling that every social situation you enter always comes to a crashing halt because you said or did something inconcievable? Well, Chris is here to tell you it’s OK … He’s been there too.
I know I should probably be saying this at a press conference with a stony faced political trophy spouse at my side, but my name is Chris Jennings, and I am an awkward American. I know many of my friends and acquaintances may not think this, viewing me as an unflappable individual with buckets of gumption, but I am definitely an awkward human being. I am also pretty sure that I am not alone.
Loyola is a campus full of easily recognized awkward people. We usually surround ourselves with people far brassier than we are in an effort to distract from our own feelings of inadequacy. We have incredibly self-deprecating senses of humor. When alone on campus, we walk quickly and avoid eye contact and general social interaction. We also tend to be undiagnosed neurotics who embrace superstitions, obsessively check for our cell phones and keys and have completely irrational fears (mine are flying insects, outer space and octopuses).
My own awkwardness and neuroses manifest themselves in turning me into an Episcopalian minister’s wife, the kind who enjoys white wine, linen pantsuits, oversized costume jewelry and backhanded compliments. My general reaction to a tense situation is to clutch at my neck and say “Gracious me!” or “Oh goodness!” When I have especially inappropriate, unkind or embarrassing thoughts, I will often say aloud “Well, that’s uncalled for,” which leads to some interesting situations when it happens in a crowded room.
Not even my love life is immune from this crippling persona. Once, in an effort to woo a cutie, I used the very flirtatious opening line “How can you walk in the rain without an umbrella? You’ll catch a death of cold.” I know. I am a smooth operator. My social prowess truly astounds.
Due to my inner Episcopalian minister’s wife, I am often called upon to dispense some of my homespun folksy pearls of wisdom in times of crisis. These include how to dress for any occasion, the best relief for a cold, delicious dessert recipes and determining if a boy is genuinely interested or if he is only after that one thing all boys think about — help with math homework.
However, in my whole catalogue, I have little on how to be less awkward, perhaps because I am so awkward myself. I think the best advice I can give is to keep your chin up, little chipmunk, because, as I said earlier, you are not alone on this campus. Everyone, from the hipster musicians to the Greeks, feels a little awkward from time to time, and just remember that the next time you’re stuck in an elevator with that guy you made out with at the Boot that one time, the doors will open soon enough.
I also have a theory that we all probably have a critical inner voice telling us what is and isn’t appropriate. Sigmund Freud called this the superego. I call her Mrs. Claire Peabody-Holmes.
Chris Jennings can be reached at [email protected].
