Holidays aren’t just about opening presents, celebrating the birth of that Jesus guy and stuffing your face with ham and turkey. Holidays are about family. Whether it’s your first time seeing them since last winter, or it’s your first time seeing them since last Friday, they’re still special people. Some are more special than others, I’m sure. But even so, it’s a time to be happy to be with them.

That sounds nice if you write for Hallmark – though they wouldn’t go for the Jesus remark. Holidays exist for one purpose: it’s an opportunity for your relatives to size you up, make petty comments, get into arguments and ask you questions that leave you longing for the good old days of 10-page papers and pop quizzes in Spanish class at Loyola.

I came to this conclusion after an awkward Thanksgiving holiday with my family, where I mostly kept my mouth shut for fear of getting verbally smacked by my aunts and uncles. I learned so much from this experience that I feel I have to pass on some suggestions to my faithful audience.

But relatives are crafty like the devil, and they can turn the most harmless and inoffensive questions and comments into a fiasco reminiscent of Mike Tyson’s ear-biting match. The best advice I can give you is not to take the high road. The way to win is to confuse and insult them.

My aunts tell me all the time, “It won’t be long until you’re fat like us – you won’t be able to eat like you do now.”

Right. The bulk will come whether I want it or not, so why don’t I just balloon to enormous proportions and get it over with? Oh, and have some more turkey, Lisa! Since I haven’t gained weight since I was 15, they’re getting more frustrated by the second. And the comment is getting more annoying, too. There’s no easy way to respond. If you say, “No, I won’t,” you’ll be calling them food-gorging boars.

I usually say something like, “Well, that sounds awesome! Then I can fulfill my lifelong dream of appearing on NBC’s ‘The Biggest Loser.’ Why don’t you have another turkey leg? Maybe it’ll go straight to your right thigh. Did I mention I have a 26-inch waist?”

Relatives also tend to take everything I say and use it to poke fun at my political beliefs. If I say, “I don’t think I’m up for turkey today. I’m just going to have some potatoes,” then my dad will follow up with, “Well, I bet you want us to free all the turkeys, don’t you? You’ll take away our guns while you’re at it. Then you’ll probably find a way to blame it on our president, right? You dirty,

hippie communist.”

You could reply by clenching your teeth and pretending to chuckle. I prefer to respond by saying, “Maybe when I free the turkeys, they’ll rise against the humans and poke your

eyes out.”

But I think the most feared question for many students is, “So, have you met any nice guys/girls

at school?”

What are you supposed to say to that? Unless you’re dating someone, it’s tough. A proper answer might be, “Of course, I just haven’t met the right person.”

I would say, “I’ve met many nice guys, Grandma! I bring home a different ‘nice’ man every night, but then when I’m sober I realize that I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

That statement will scar them enough to make them stay away for the rest of the gathering. Or for an hour or so. Hey, at least you’ll be giving them something to talk about.