Warning – If you are offended by this column, TOUGH! Contradictory to the misprint two weeks ago, I’m a Beast from the East. Beasts don’t always play nice, but I strive to be a nice person and I hope I don’t offend anyone because I’m a huge wimp.

Last year, I covered tuition with scholarships, grants and my own tips. Some of the grant money came from people who said “You lost your house in Katrina? The city still needs work? That sucks. Here’s some money. Good luck!” I was so grateful for the kind souls and government grants that gave funds to help “Katrina Kids” go to college. To this day, they gave more than FEMA.

However, for some reason, they didn’t give Katrina grants this year. Even with government financial aid and some academic scholarships, I still have a good bit left to pay and I don’t want to take out a loan that I know I won’t be able to repay. Running out of options, I’ve hit the Internet, browsing sites like Fast Web and College Tracker for another scholarship. Most of them require an essay.

I’ve said to myself: I should just do the essay. I’ll squeeze it in between doing this column, then that paper, studying for this quiz, getting ready for that test, working, doing another paper… Ok, so if I find time to write an essay between doing all my other crap, I have to hope it can beat thousands of other essays written for the same scholarship. Riiight.

I found scholarships for African Americans, Native Americans, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims, Scientologists, Mormons, tall people and people who want to create their prom dress out of duct tape. I am none of these and I am almost positive they would do a background check if I applied for one of them. I would have loved to try the duct tape gig, but my prom already passed.

I checked to see if there was a scholarship for Caucasians, but no luck. I came across a scholarship offered by the Klan, but I didn’t fit the requirements because I have all my teeth. Oh yeah, and because I’m not a pathetic racist.

So what is a minimum-wage-making waitress to do? I guess I’m just asking for easy money. Yet, if I’ve figured out anything in these past few semesters, it’s that easy money is like Bigfoot and Wyoming – it’s a thing of myth. There’s nothing left for me to do but write the essays or delve into my savings. If I have to live with my parents until I’m 30 to pay for college, so be it. At least I’ll have four kick-butt years and a degree to show for it, dagnabbit.