ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Studying hard? I hope so. Nobody ever got an “A” watching “Dancing with the Stars.” Tonight: You’ll pass if her leg falls off.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) Congratulations! You made it through the semester just in time for your birthday. Now get a job, you waste of space. Tonight: Stop reading joke books.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)OK, you made an uncomfortable joke in front of your girlfriend’s parents. It wasn’t funny “haha” but they got the point: you have terrible comedic timing. Tonight: No more Carlos Mencia. Ever.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Did you know Carlos Mencia’s real name is Ned? Ned Garcia. There’s hope for you yet, Eugenes of the world. Tonight: Change your name to something ethnic and edgy.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)Change your name to “Stefan,” like Urkel did in “Family Matters.” Tonight: Build a machine to turn you into a stud. A sex machine, perhaps?
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)James Brown was the hardest-working man in show business. You’re the hardest-working man in dishwashing. It’s eerie how parallel your lives have become. Tonight: You’ll be the godfather of a child from Seoul.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)South Korea has the 11th largest economy in the world. The secret? Burger King kid’s meal toys. Tonight: Invest.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Your mutual funds have tripled, much like the stack of dishes waiting to be washed. Tonight: Clean the apartment. No more “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2003.”
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Nobody cares if you made a double eagle on the 17th. You were playing miniature golf at a daycare center and you were five. Tonight: Aren’t you a little old for fish sticks?
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)Remember Hungry Man microwavable dinners? Of course you do, they’re your favorite. Tonight: Try something healthier instead of fried steak with gravy and fried vegetables.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)Don’t worry about what you eat. Americans get so much crap for eating fried food, but have you ever had vegetable tempura? Tonight: No, seriously. It’s awesome. America rocks.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)You think you’re proud to be an American? I still don’t see a gun rack on your bicycle. Tonight: Hulk Hogan videotapes.
