ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)With the money your parents spent on that useless class, you could’ve bought a lifetime dojo membership. You’d be at least a purple belt by now. Tonight: Remember Ralph Macchio.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21) So you got your free personality profile from that online dating Web site. Now those “meet me” requests are popping up everywhere. Tonight: Maybe meet the creep of your dreams. His name is Dwayne and he lives in his parents’ basement.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)I know, you were one of those kids who straightened their slinky. Redeem yourself by spending hours at a Toys “R” Us. Tonight: You’re most likely the creep of her dreams.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Nice work, you made a four-page spread in Cat Fancy. You’ll soon be rolling in all the catnip you could imagine. Tonight: Give it a floor run and see if it plays.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23)You’re never having kids now that you’ve seen a giraffe give birth. Don’t worry – humans don’t have that much afterbirth. Or do they? Tonight: C’mon, giraffes are adorable.
VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23)You were the oldest person at the concert, but you’re still hip. If those kids ask you to buy cigarettes for them, have them arrested. Tonight: Remind yourself how old you are. Then cry. LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)It looks like they’re running out of you at the jerk store. But what’s the difference, I must be the best seller. Tonight: Shrimp cocktail.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You’re retiring. It’s been great, now leave. Seriously, it’s starting to smell like old food in here. Tonight: We love you.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Don Johnson was looking for a “Heartbeat,” and you just got your heart beat. Coincidence? Maybe there’s more to you and Crocket than similar wardrobe choices. Tonight: “Nash Bridges” and a good cry.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19)Your writing skills exceed those of Pulitzer Prize winner. Now get back to work. Those lawn mowers aren’t selling themselves. Tonight: Don’t quit your day job.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19)So that starvation diet didn’t last too long. That’s OK — pizza is way better than looking like an Olsen twin. Tonight: Pizza, of course.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Don’t let anyone try to tell you Coca-Cola was originally green. Tonight: Educate your friends on soft drinks. Or pop. Whatever you freaks call it.
