You may be pumping your fist in the air and shouting, “I’m in college! I can do whatever I want now!” And right you are. College is a time of great freedom, but beware! Dorm life is a complex social environment with many unspoken rules. Break these rules, and they will ruin you.

No. 1: Forks on the left, spoons and knives on the right.

This may seem picky, but table manners are essential to the social fabric of on-campus dining. We’re not barbarians, after all, we’re college students. Show your peers that you care about manners, and they will respect you.

No. 2: Refrain from comparing the desk assistant to Mussolini (to his or her face).

The DAs of Loyola really don’t care what you think of Residential Life’s policies. Fining you heavily for backtalk, however, might be that bit of entertainment they’re looking for to break up a long and monotonous shift.

No. 3: Bored at 3 a.m.? Try pulling the fire alarm.

Just kidding. This will neither enamor you to the opposite sex nor win you any friends. It could get you killed. People are shanked over lesser offenses.

No. 4: Moldy food is bad food.

Don’t resort to amateur science experiments with old food (chicken, milk, etc.). It’s best to finish your food quickly or throw it away. New Orleans has enough mold problems as it is.

No. 5: Don’t be afraid to knock on your resident assistant’s door for any reason at any time.

Some might disagree with me on this point, but I say, “Isn’t that what they’re there for?” Your RA is basically your maid, valet and babysitter all in one. However, they do control the toilet paper, so proceed with caution.

No. 6: Puking is something best done in the bathroom.

Puking on other people or their things is a major faux pas, while puking on the floors or walls is just unsightly.

Vomiting can be a big part of college life. Learn to form good habits.

No. 7: Reds for red meat, whites for fish and chicken.

Memorize this tip right away. It will save you a lot of trouble later on.

No. 8: Respect your elders.

Upperclassmen are fountains of wisdom. They are powerful, yet gentle at heart. Play your cards right, and one could become the Obi-Wan Kenobi to your Luke Skywalker.

No. 9: Don’t get scurvy.

Scurvy is a disease that leads to liver spots, spongy gums and bleeding from your mucous membranes. It is famous for afflicting 17th century mariners and college students who don’t eat any fruit. An all-ramen diet may be a thrifty decision in the short term but will surely lead to hefty medical bills. For the sake of your mucous membranes, get vitamin C into your diet.

No. 10: Keep it classy.

Try reciting a little Robert Frost at a keg party. Order a Sazerac. Impress people with your cufflinks. Say things like “ciao” and “bon soir.” Take your date to a foreign film. Wink at people you don’t know. Your lovers will swoon. Your peers will be jealous. You can’t lose.

Kevin Corcoran can be reached at [email protected].