Is the election over yet?

I’m having a hard time writing this column, because I don’t think you want to hear another opinion. I’m sure you’ve heard opinions from your roommates, your professors, your parents, your enemies and maybe even that old guy next door who sits outside in his boxers and yells at speeding cars.

I know you have friends who have threatened to flee the country if the current president is re-elected. I’ll bet you have friends who are convinced that the terrorists will bomb all 50 capital cities if the challenger

is elected – yes, even Boise, Idaho! You might have friends who curse the two-party system and swear by the Libertarian or Green parties.

I feel like I’m being lectured every time I speak to someone. I don’t even want to hear my own opinion anymore, but it’s hard to turn off my inner monologue. Aren’t you sick of hearing about it? I am.

The election makes me want to put dog feces in a bag, light it on fire and throw it on the front porch of the White House. No matter what happens, the system is still going to suck. Politicians are still going to be liars, and the Middle East and some of Europe will still despise us. The media are still going to function as a herd of hysterical cattle, each news anchor speaking faster and more high-pitched as we get closer to Nov. 2. And when it’s over, the country is going to be more divided than ever.

My pessimism won’t stop me from voting. I just think it’s sad when I watch the presidential debates and think, “‘The Daily Show’ is going to have a field day with this fiasco.”

Now, I know you’re drooling in anticipation because you think I’m going to recommend a candidate. Most newspapers endorse a presidential candidate. I don’t agree with that practice; I think it undermines a newspaper’s objectivity. But The Times-Picayune impressed me with their editorial: “We think both of these guys are unfit to dress themselves, much less lead the country. You pick the lesser of two evils. Have fun!”

OK, the editorial didn’t use those exact terms. But it’s close to what they meant. They’re right to a certain extent.

Since I don’t have to be objective, and no one reads this far down anyway, I’m going to tell you how I feel. I think there’s a man who’s honest, dedicated, who knows the system’s faults and has a plan to fix them. He can lead the war against evil because he’s intelligent, educated, funny and willing to admit when he’s wrong.

That man is Jon Stewart.

It’s easy to have faith in Jon. He’ll take down the terrorists like he took down Tucker Carlson on “Crossfire.” He’ll slice al-Qaida with his wit. He’ll send Rob Corddry to do an in-depth report on the massive amount of toilet paper used in White House bathrooms.

I wish that would happen, but it won’t. I’ll spend election night drinking vodka, moping and wishing Gen. Wesley Clark and Sen. John McCain were my two options.

I’d ask for your opinion, but … oh, wait. I don’t care anymore. Just let it

be over.