Today, kids, we’re going to learn about sanctity.

Last week 11 states passed amendments defining marriage as “between a man and a woman.” Out of those states, eight restricted the rights of homosexuals even further, some banning civil unions.

And while Louisiana passed an amendment earlier this year stating the same thing – even though it was already in our constitution – think about other laws we’ve considered. We just passed an amendment guaranteeing every citizen the right to hunt, fish, trap, kill bugs, play a banjo while going to the bathroom and sacrifice rabbits to the sun god Helios. Or whatever. I’m sure it was necessary and made a lot of sense, like all of our other laws – especially the one about your pants having to be above your crotch.

Reasons behind the legislation can be confusing to simple-minded folk like us communications majors. “The sanctity of marriage” has become a catchphrase in the campaign against gays, and I think the words need to be discussed in depth by someone who neither knows about marriage nor sanctity. That’s where I come in.

Sanctity is the act of being sanct, which means to be sacred. Once you’re married, you can only have sex for purposes of procreation, and then only once or twice a year, because let’s face it – the only people who enjoy sex are sailors and interns. No, not really. I wish “sanct” were a word. Sanctity means “the state or quality of being sacred.” So, when groups defending marriage talk about sanctity, they’re saying that marriage is sacred and holy.

I had to look that up in the dictionary. They can’t be serious. I think it’s one of those terms that its supporters find hard to define, but they always know when it’s being violated.

Sure, I believe that America respects marriage. Almost as much as I believe Ashlee Simpson’s gastrointestinal problems caused her vocal malfunction. If you go to Las Vegas, you can get married by Elvis, Madonna or King Kong. Or you could watch an episode of “Friends” and laugh as Ross and Rachel get married while intoxicated. You could even be one of those women who tells everyone she meets about how her husband left her for someone half his age.

If nothing else, look at our divorce rate. I don’t know any concrete statistics because I don’t do numbers, but I think it’s something like 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce.

Talk to some kids who are in the middle of an angry custody battle. I’ll bet they have a lot to tell you about marriage and its sanctity. Saying that gay people would desecrate the sacred oath of marriage is sort of like saying that Pauly Shore would lower the quality of acting on “As The World Turns.” Sorry, it already sucks. He’s not going to make it any better or worse.

If I were gay, I would want to stay as far away from crazy straight people and their “institution of marriage” as possible. Take civil unions and make them classy – at least there’s no reality TV shows called “Civil Partner Swap.” Well, not yet. Give Fox some time. Meanwhile, defense of marriage groups should spend less time raving about homosexuals and more time educating young adults about how to make a partnership last.

I’m not saying that all marriages are a joke. I have a few relatives and friends who have great relationships, and I hope one day I can have a successful marriage, too.

But if at first you don’t succeed, try again, right? That seems to be a popular motto.