As a junior at Loyola who has had her fair share of triumphs and more than enough failures, I will act as your tour guide through the cesspool of iniquity that could be your college experience.
In the first circle of college hell, we have Limbo. This is the place reserved for the studious college-goers who make exceptional grades but refrain from getting involved in activities. While these kids may have impressive GPAs, they miss out on making friends and memories in organizations like LUCAP and Revisions. Also, their hard work in classes is likely to go to waste because graduate schools are more likely to take students who are involved at college.
The next circle of college hell is the circle of lust. With members of the opposite sex–or of the same sex–right down the hall, one-night stands might happen, but this circle is dedicated to those with more sex partners than credit hours. It’s tough to focus on lectures when you’re busy wondering where you left your underwear and trying to convince yourself that the bourgeoning pustule on your lip is just a zit.
In line with the famous freshman 15, the third circle of hell is comprised of those who let their personal health fall by the wayside during their time at college. Whether this is an issue due to too many Long Island Iced Teas or the limitless portions of mac and cheese in the Orleans Room, no one feels good after going home for the holidays and enduring Grandma Pauline’s snarky. “Maybe you should stick to salad this Thanksgiving, honey.”
The circle of avarice and prodigality is reserved for the roommates constantly at war over possessions. The only thing worse than going through your underwear drawer and finding your favorite pair missing is finding them in your roommate’s dirty clothes five minutes later, but it also sucks to get stuck with the roommate who regularly interrogates you about sneaking spoonfuls of her cottage cheese.
The fifth circle is that of the sullen. Way too many freshman sit in their rooms for the first few months of school and sulk because they do not know anyone at college and they miss their friends and family back at home.
Next is the circle of heresy. Christians who stop going to church on Sunday because they are too hung over from the frat party the night before and Buddhists who stop attending meetings because they’ve put off studying for their big exam, fall into this group. Being true to yourself instead of neglecting your convictions always makes life easier.
Lots of college students go overboard with drug and alcohol consumption once they get to college, and that’s why circle seven is meant for those who end up in the hospital or in trouble with the law for partying too hard. Students who are caught drinking underage or with drugs on campus may face arrest, loss of dorm privileges and pricey hospital bills, not to mention the wrath of their parents.
Circles eight and nine are those of fraud and betrayal. Both of these circles apply to students who disappoint their professors either by claiming others’ work as their own or by putting no effort into their papers and forcing professors to waste time sifting through comma splices and typos. Either one will result in a blow to the offender’s GPA, but plagiarism can lead to expulsion, which is infinitely more disappointing than sprouting love handles or taking the walk of shame.
This concludes our tour of the nine circles of college hell. Hopefully becoming familiar with the circles will make them easier to avoid, and everyone can have a heavenly fall semester.
Holly Combs is an English writing junior.
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