We see them lurking in the shadows. We see them on the streets. We may even see them in our own homes. They are invading our lives and we cannot stop them. I’m talking, of course, about mean people. Everyone is mean at some point, but a growing number of people are turning into 24-hour scumbags. New Orleans, we have a problem.

You know the types. They may believe they are better than everyone else, or perhaps they are miserable all the time and therefore must make everyone around them miserable. Sure, there are the criminals who cause the BOLOs around campus, but most likely we’ll meet more common jerks in our everyday lives.

We’ve all encountered the ones who deliberately walk slowly and drive even more slowly. Some are the folks who want the world to know how much money they make, so they show off their luxuries whenever possible. Others are the perfectionists who want everything – including their children – to be no less than exceptional. Narcissists, pessimists, supremacists, racists, rapists, sexists, bigots, arsonists, alarmists, ultraists and sciolists are just a few of the people who should “accidentally” fall into a giant meat grinder.

Among the people I absolutely cannot stand (besides jerks who don’t tip) are the people who believe they are always right. That’s right, Fred Phelps, I’m coming after you. These people believe they have some supernatural force that allows them to see all and therefore cannot be wrong. People, Einstein was wrong before. So was Stephen Hawking, so was Plato. I’ll emphasize this again: you cannot be correct all the time. So if you believe your race or religion or sexuality is better or higher than the next person’s, you are so damn wrong it’s not even funny.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I leave you with two final questions: Why be mean? Does it really make you feel better? Mean people: my advice to you is stop it. Get your head out of your butt and realize that you have to share the world with a plethora of other human beings. Being nice to somebody usually feels a hell of a lot better than being a complete SOB.

In the meantime, I’m going to get Dr. Bob’s famous phrase “Be nice or leave” tattooed on my forehead. Hopefully, that will make my day go by a little more smoothly. To all mean people, either quit being such jerks or go screw yourself. Oh yeah, and have a nice day!