The Loyola redhead population has spiked. Record numbers of redheads have been reported on campus this semester. As a prominent, established redhead and journalist at this university, I will take this opportunity to give warning to the remaining non-redheaded population existing at Loyola. Make preparations now. The revolution is coming.
On average last year I would see one to two redheads per day, excluding the glances of myself in swinging glass doors and bathroom mirrors. With an incoming class of 801 and a transfer student enrollment of 101, the addition of 902 new faces to Loyola’s campus has visibly increased the number of redheads on campus.
I would estimate that I see eight-10 redheads per day this year. That’s upwards of an 85 percent increase. That’s incredible considering redheads only make up 1-2 percent of the worlds population.
A redhead, commonly referred to as a ginger, firecracker, scarlet, spitfire, matchstick or carrot-top–even though the tops of carrots are green and leafy– is an individual with countless stereotypes and surrounding generalizations.
Among them, these individuals are said to be quick-tempered, highly artistic, fierce fighters, passionate in bed and to have a high pain tolerance. These stigmas however are lacking the knowledge of The Society- an international team of gingers that promote the typical stereotypes only to cover The Society’s very existence.What is the purpose of this Society, you may ask? To overcome, to overtake and to conquer.
It’s predicted that redheads will be extinct by the year 2060. This is false – a conspiracy started by the Society members themselves to discourage any detection of the Society and its racy agenda.
“Gingervitis”, the genetic, incurable condition created to label gingers as soulless and diseased, is yet another feint tactic designed to mislead and cloud public perception of the ginger population.
Redheads possess the stereotype of a hot-tempered nature, but redheads are patient, intelligent and powerful beyond belief. Famous Society members with such qualities include U.S. Presidents Thomas Jefferson and Martin Van Buren, historical leaders Napoleon Bonaparte and Winston Churchill, great thinkers Charles Darwin and Galileo, composer Antonio Vivaldi and actress Lucille Ball.
I estimate that not a single Loyola student has caught wind of this coming revolution. I am breaking all kinds of codes in order to share even this small amount of information. I fear not my punishment from the Society, with the faith that even this small public warning will not cost us our success. So be warned.
The ginger epidemic has begun. Unfortunately for all you blondes, brunettes and in-betweeners, there’s no going back. The Society has initiated Phase I: Ginger Infiltration at Loyola with the class of 2012.
Hidden beneath your cigarette butts in Smoker’s Alley, behind the textbooks in your backpack and between your parked cars in Freret Street garage, lies a growing organism- a mechanism that’s pulsing and multiplying like a disease. The Society is meeting, planning, plotting-and cannot be stopped.
Viva the RED-volution!
Janece Bell can be reached at
