Despite almost three years of Loyola trying to get me to embrace Jesuit ideals, St. Iggy hasn’t exactly inspired any of my actions and opinions. Instead of “thinking critically and acting justly,” my mantra has more resembled Crime Mob’s “I don’t fight. I don’t argue. I just hit that b—- with a bottle.”
While I’d like to say that it was my college education that made me realize the error of my ways, I wouldn’t be improving if I lied. Sharon Osborne and her pupils on VH1’s “Charm School” have paved my road to self-improvement.
The show took Brett Michael’s unrefined rejects from “Rock of Love,” placed them in a school and instructed them on the finer points of style and class. By sitting on the couch for an hour every Sunday night, I gained the skills it takes to succeed in life. I learned that to be a valued member of society I shouldn’t throw apples, plates or Red Bull at people when they upset me, do naked cartwheels across the front lawn or put my elbows on the table.
Considering all I’ve learned by only observing, imagine what I could learn if I actually attended Charm School. With a Charm School degree, the world will be my oyster to shuck. I won’t be resigned to a 9-to-5 job here in New Orleans upon graduating. I could become an astronaut, break dancer or even president of the United States.
With the deductive reasoning abilities that come with obtaining a Charm School degree, I may now be able to fulfill my dream of becoming a sleuth. I’ve always loved solving mysteries, but with my limited resources and lack of social grace, my mysteries were limited to games of Clue and episodes of “Murder She Wrote” and “Scooby Doo Where Are You?” Now, I can rent a groovy van, enlist the aid of four of my friends and my cat and travel the country solving crimes.
Whatever may happen in the future, I’m confident that Charm School will help me achieve my goals because it already has altered my present. I no longer frequent dive bars, but tearooms where I don’t feel compelled to remove my clothes and dance on a table. I no longer let things happen to me, but make them happen.
Wish me luck, although I doubt I’ll need it. I’ve got strength, character, class and if all else fails, a really nice butt.
[You can find more running wild and looking pretty at jtemplet.blogspot.com]
