ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20) Good luck in Columbus, Aries. Watch out for that banjo-playing feral kid. He means trouble, especially if Alejandro Blanco is in the vicinity.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are going to have to return that monkey before it bites any more people.
GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22) You’re really going to wish you didn’t eat that last blueberry muffin.
CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23) If you are ever eating at Gulfstream and your server offers to show your children “the moose,” you should run away as quickly as possible. Don’t eat M&M’s either. It just angers your waiter.
LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) I’m sorry, but you have a busy week ahead of you. On Monday, you will find out that your mother and I are engaged. On Wednesday, you will find out we have flown to Reno to elope. On Thursday, you will find out you were really adopted by your mother. And finally, next Friday, you will find out that your real father is Aquarius.
VIRGO (24 AUG. – 23 SEPT.) Bill O’Reilly is a moron; if you believe a word the man says, then you really serve no purpose to humanity. I really can’t be any clearer than that.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)A hot doorman wants to fill you out like a job application.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You’re a good man, Scorpio. Thanks for all your help this year. I couldn’t have done it without you … try not to make out with any dudes at the party this year, though.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Bolton is dead. Long live Luther Vandross!
CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) You will read Joe Lobo’s overly sentimental horoscopes and shed a tear. Then you will remember that real men don’t cry … wuss.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland … and you are Leo’s real father.
PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)You’ve had several ups and downs at Loyola, and you’d be nowhere without Erin, John, Ann, Danny, Gene, Lisa, Brian, Jenna, Gill, Kaila, Lil’ Joe, Ide, Darren, Bawb, Chris, P.Scott, Dr. Lorenz, Dr. Alexander (Casey Jones)and all the Marooners. Thanks everybody.
