ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Did you really think the restraining order would work? Joe Lobo III can read the stars. Do you really think I can’t find a way to still peer into your room? Joe Lobo III regrets writing that last sentence.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)Call Domino’s. Tell them a higher power in the corporation OK’d an order for seven large pizzas and a pair of two liters. And your business professor told you you’d never amount to anything? Who’s laughing now, not-so-hungry-man?

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)It’s been some time since Joe Lobo III has seen you. I’ve learned a lot in the time you’ve been gone: Margarine is way better than butter, and your recipe for chocolate isn’t delicious. Far from it, in fact.

CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23) You looked like a fool when you took to heart the phrase “walk it like a dog” about your pet rock. “Scratchin’ up my sidewalk” would’ve been more like it, but who’s keeping track, buddy?

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) You will travel to Skate Country this weekend. Make sure you have your passport in hand.

VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) If you mess with Godfather’s Pizza, someone in the C-Store Mafia will break your kneecaps. You’ll be swimming with the fishes, albeit with a full stomach.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)What’s more disconcerting: shampoo on a plane or snakes on a plane? I guess I stand corrected: Samuel L. Jackson on a plane is just as bad.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)Canned tamales are on sale at a fine grocery store near you. That’s all I know. The hunt is on, my friend. The hunt is on, indeed.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Herpes. Living in sin wasn’t a good idea after all. It’s not so funny now, is it?

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) Hey there Capricorn, I wouldn’t laugh just yet. Remember that girl skunking around at the kegger last weekend? It’s not so funny now, is it?

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)You will begin to venture to the West Bank several times a week. There’s really nothing more to say about that except, you know where the real party’s found. Right …