ARIES(March 21 – April 20) I knew it was you, Fredo. I knew it was you, and you broke my heart.
TAURUS(April 21 – May 21)After next Tuesday, you will NEVER look at a circus peanut the same way again.
GEMINI(May 22 – June 22) They say laughter is the best medicine. Unfortunately, you’re not funny … and whoever came up with that phrase has never heard of the weird disease you will get at the Boot this weekend.
CANCER(June 23 – July 23) A special guest horoscope from Josephine Lobo: According to signs around campus, your kind kills 1,500 people every day. Way to go, cancer.
LEO(July 24 – Aug. 23) As with the Sagittarius saga, I’m told that your weekly horoscope is annoying. What can I say? The stars just think that your mom is hot … and you’re not my kid.
VIRGO(Aug. 24 – Sept. 23) On your radio program, you will blast the media as “the most damaging institution in America today because it’s so blatantly partisan and dishonest intellectually.” I couldn’t agree more, seeing as how you are a member of the media and “so blatantly partisan and dishonest intellectually.” Sure, there are other people out there who fit this description, but they broke the wingnut, partisan, hate-spewing, misinforming, ill-tempered, racist, sexist, chauvinist, ugly-as-sin mold when they crafted you in the deepest, darkest, smelliest corner of hell. You suck, O’Reilly.
LIBRA(Sept. 24 – Oct. 23)Joe Lobo is lonely and wishes you would come home.
SCORPIO(Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)You want this job? Fine, you can have it. Just watch out for the flying monkeys.
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 23 – Dec. 22)I’ve been told you no longer enjoy Michael Bolton. Why? What did Michael ever do to you? He’s a cool guy. Maybe this week you’ll finally be able to open up your heart as so many others have.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 23 – Jan. 19) I can’t stress this enough: If someone approaches you next week and offers to take you to Belarus, don’t go; this man is a spy and will probably wind up selling you on the black market. Never trust a Belarussian.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Just read last week’s horoscope. Nothing ever changes for you, Aquarius. You are sedentary and bland.
PISCES(Feb. 20 – March 20)I can neither confirm nor deny any of the vicious rumors circulating about myself – Joseph Longfellow Lobo, Jr. – and Maroon editor in chief Chuck Alexander. However, I can say the following, before I bring on my lawyers: I happen to enjoy Mr. Alexander’s work; and, though he is what the ladies might call “man pretty,” we have NOT made any plans to move to Montana together.
