ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 20)Going through airport security, you might want to hide your “My Little Pony” collection. There’s nothing illegal about it, it’s just a little embarrassing. Don’t let them seize your dignity.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 – MAY 21)You’ve been working out, Taurus. You look tough. Ford tough.

GEMINI (MAY 22 – JUNE 22)Pack up and leave New Orleans. You’re not a good mayor, and it’s hard to interpret anything you do as humorous anymore. Sorry, it’s what the stars tell me, Ray.

CANCER (JUNE 23 – JULY 23)Don’t be that guy who gives out apples for Halloween. Share the wealth that is known as Hershey’s.

LEO (JULY 24 – AUG. 23) A note from Ms. Lobo: Joe Lobo and I had a chat. You’re not really all that hairy, just a little fuzzy.

VIRGO (AUG. 24 – SEPT. 23) Sadly, this is a slow week for you. The stars are burnt out, a little like … you.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24 – OCT. 23)How was your birthday? Hate to break the news to you, but your parents’ being “away in Europe” was a rather creative excuse full of royal b.s.

SCORPIO (OCT. 24 – NOV. 22)You might not look good in shorts, but at least you have your day job to fall back on: alcoholism.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 23 – DEC. 22)Kleptomania and wine go well together. Drink up; it always tastes better when the wine literally flows free.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 23 – JAN. 19) Your sign still sounds like candy corn. And I’m still hungry. Mmmm…candy corn. Oh and you’re now sedentary and bland.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 – FEB. 19) You hold the key to world peace. Your dream of a happy world will occur with a progressive revolution: a Dance, Dance Revolution. PISCES (FEB. 20 – MARCH 20)Hey, Pisces: Your mom goes to college.